Sweet things
Posted on | July 1, 2009 | 14 Comments
Things that I loved about today: figs & raw honey, a four mile run (!) and a swim in our neighbor’s pond. Oh how I love to swim…and somehow I had forgotten this. I don’t know why it’s taken me three years to go and jump in, the surface rippling green, bluebirds swooping about. How I love the soft feel of the pond bottom underfoot, the way the water is soft on your skin, the way the bubbles rise up when you kick. Bean and I have gone every day this week. We lie like otters on the little wooden dock, and then we swim.
He doesn’t know how to swim yet, but he’s becoming more daring: leaping from the bank into the water into my arms. His grins, his chattering teeth, his little muscled torso nearly break my heart. He is so lovely, so beautiful, my son. My firstborn boy, so big now: learning to swim.
On his bike he is a terror. He’s been riding without training wheels for months and now he purposely seeks out the washed out, steepest places on the driveway, the bumpiest pot-holes to ride over full tilt. He’s a mountain biker in the making: the way he skids to a stop, leaps off his bike, swings back on it, all the while grinning, mud splattering up the back of his shirt, his yellow thunderbolt helmet the perfect statement.
Boys. Even though I imagined boys I couldn’t have pictured this. The delight and silliness of little boys. The way they play together makes me nearly swoon with pleasure. Bean seeks out Sprout, he wants to be near him, next to him. He ‘reads’ him books, acts out entire narratives with matchbox cars, sings endless little songs, lies noes to nose with him. And all the while Sprout grins like he’s having lunch with his idol. It’s the best, the way my boys are together. I want more than anything for them to stay this way. For them to always be buddies and friends, for Bean to always have Sprout’s back. For Sprout to always burst into wide smiles when his brother enters the room. It makes me so happy.
Bean asked if he and Sprout could share a room recently. We have 3 bedrooms, so they wouldn’t have to necessarily, and it hadn’t really occurred to me to have them share. But now I’m wondering, why not? What are the pros and cons? I always had to share a room with one or the other of my sisters, and while I am sure they hated it (sorry I stole all your clothes, sis!) I adored it. Not always, but most of the time. I loved going to bed and having a sister to whisper with, and waking up in the middle of the night and hearing her breathe. But now as a parent I’m not actually sure how to orchestrate room sharing–with boys who are four years apart. How would bedtimes work?
So. Questions: what were the highlights of your day today? And: yea or nay on the shared-bedroom business?
What would you ask for?
Posted on | June 29, 2009 | 14 Comments
“She’d been so sure a crap liquor store would not stock French cigarettes just because you asked. The shock every time she went in, and there they were. She was used to taking the world as it was, she’d never have guessed you could get what you wanted by asking for it.”
~from Paint It Black by Janet Fitch
I was struck by these few sentences and the idea has stayed in my head since I finished this book (which I loved, by the way) And I’ve wondered: What do I want to ask for? What should I be asking for? It feels powerful and vulnerable at the very same time to think of this. To imagine asking, putting myself out there, saying this is what I need.
Today I would ask for:
An agent to represent my book.
Funding to be able to write and live. Financial abundance would be swell,but just enough would be okay too–to live and write, rinse and repeat.
A sponsor, or sponsors.
To not feel like I’m always the trailblazer. Some days I want so badly for someone else to say: here, let me show you how to do this so you won’t mess it all up.
(And also maybe for some sun. The humidity is getting on my nerves.)
What would you ask for? Really. If you could ask for anything–or many things, what would they be?
10 open tabs
Posted on | June 28, 2009 | 11 Comments
Day after day the rain comes in the evening, the windowsills wet. I eat an extra cookie, the chocolate melting bitter and sweet and sticky on my tongue, crumbs on the couch for sure, and put Sprout to sleep in his bouncy seat in the laundry room.
Yes. There with the fans, and the rhythmic satisfaction of clothes being turned and turned again in sudsy water (a task my great grandmother maybe did by hand with a washboard in a basin, and before her women at the creek bed, knees pressed into the silty mud, pounding with stones) there is a snugness that lulls him. The fan drones and the wash whirls back and forth, and beautifully, without a fight, he’s asleep.
So. I’ve been moody with this rain, the humidity making my hair curl and my skin stick. I have 10 tabs open in my internet browser and I’m on the verge of tears, right on the cusp of everything as usual. It’s so terrifying to contemplate doing more than whatever it is I’m doing right now. As in: sending more work out, figuring more things out, putting my heart out there in thin lines of Times New Roman double spaced and waiting for whatever.
It’s terrifying to sit here on our stained couch with sore boobs (Sprout nursed less than usual today, but he was just as chummy and darling as ever,) contemplating what else could be a reality soon, or never, or maybe. What if I make it?
Sometimes that question is almost as confounding and daunting as What if I don’t?
Here are the things I suck at: organizing, networking, time lines, deadlines, and synthesis. Here are the things I am good at: sentences, earnestness, heart, metaphors, and dreaming.
Between those to columns are the three words that Nike made so very famous: just do it. Sometimes that feels impossibly hard.
Sometimes I don’t even know what that looks like, doing it, going for it: where to begin?
Breath. I come back to that. And then I go back to my browser with it’s ten open tabs and try to make sense of my life.
You? What are you good at? What are you utterly miserable less good at?
And: Which is more terrifying: attempting success and failing, or failing to attempt success? Ha!
And I sit feeling everything
Posted on | June 26, 2009 | 4 Comments
Today the sound of fans and wind
my heart breaking and gathering in the turning air;
a racehorse with an ankle turned, tendons like rope, continues even then
towards the line,
nostrils flared, hay soon
and cool, cool water.
The sky is spread with shreds of clouds,
the leaves are moving, fluttering, the air winnowing
around the tiny furze on the swallowtail’s wing
and I sit feeling everything:
damp hair falling on my shoulders
stems on the table of eaten strawberries
small circles of berry stain, pollen scattered from the bouquet
of daisies with their bending stems in the glass jar
and the way I am uncertain now.
Other things know nothing of this
the poplars and the meadow grasses
bend and bend and bend again
in the wind.
A handful of small good things:
Posted on | June 24, 2009 | 5 Comments
Wednesday. Watching the rain from the porch with Sprout. Newly mowed grass, in heaps. Tired. So tired, after a night awake with a restless babe. Fresh jam. Scattered thoughts. Trying to make sense with words with some people, including with my mother, and while my heart is there, and hers is, it doesn’t always come out right. You know? The words crisscross like a subway map, and you find you can’t always get off where you intend to.
A headache. Raw almonds on honey toast. The first zinnias blooming in the garden. And already the day is over and it’s time for bed. But before sleep, some things to share:
First: some small art. Little tiny pieces that I am putting in a little gallery for sale. I know. It’s been years, literally, since I sold art here, with the time away from teaching my creative well has been filling and I’m excited to start sharing little pieces with you. Please go look. It’s just a start. An inkling. We’ll see where it goes.
The pieces I’ll be putting up first are in a songbird series. I have this gorgeous old vintage book about songbirds and I’m giving its pages new life with little paintings of the birds that have been making me so happy this summer.
Also, I’ve been loving…this gorgeous little journal of random things.
These photos.
This little story.
And these fascinating little films.
What’s inspiring you?
What is today in your life?
Posted on | June 23, 2009 | 18 Comments
It’s the orioles that save me. The way they have come this year, more than any other year, to these lush woods, swooping across the stormy June skies, saffron and vermilion, like promises.
It’s the hawks circling above, reminding me that I am human and very small; that I am a creature of gravity and bones, soft bellied, begging with gratitude at the dawn of each new day. Let there be a tomorrow, and a tomorrow after that.
It is the swallowtails that float up like yellow gifts on the fragrant air. I think of my father when I see them. I wish sometimes that he were here to see my life now, to witness my boys and my words; to see that my hands still remember the art of work. He was the first to teach me this: that tools and soil and tasks can be solace, can be grace.
In the garden, weeding between the first delicate chartreuse shoots of corn, it is the red efts that save me. They come from the dark, dark earth, burrowing towards the sun, carrying small secrets about the way time really goes. Slowly. Slower still.
Here I am in this life. I wake up to the sound of boys, to the rooster crowing, to the sky full of torn clouds and sun, to the poplars bending in the wind. This is new, this gratitude, this ability to say I am here and look! Look at this wondrous life! It used to terrify me, the idea of settling someplace with someone and making a go of it, but now I cannot think of anything more real, more full than this work.
For a long, long time, for all of my twenties (which felt long to me then) I was too impatient to feel this, to know the secret wealth contained in slow moments. Like the spiraling interior of a nautilus, the tasks of now continue to teach me how to be.
There are days when I still hate them. Days when it seems impossible to be okay with doing one more dish, with vacuuming again, with folding one more little shirt, but I am beginning to understand that it is the utter banality of the tasks that also makes them profound.
Many people don’t use their hands any more, not the way they did when most of the day was occupied with the tasks of living. I’ve been thinking of this as DH and I have moved huge flat rocks from the old shambled stone walls on our land to make new front steps. We used the scoop bucket of a tractor, but when they were made into crude walls dividing fields long ago, it was with more brute strength: horses and sweat. A whole day’s work to drag and place a few large stones.
We have machines now, and to them we are grateful: I cannot imagine the enormous labor of washing clothes by hand; email gets there so much faster than a letter sent with paper and a stamp in the post. Because of machines we have more time in the day, free from tasks with our hands we’re able to do other things.
Still. I can feel how my body is meant to move, and how my hands are meant as tools, nimble on the keyboard remembering the sequence of keystrokes to make every word appear on the screen in quick succession. Awareness in these tasks becomes a way of saying grace.
It is the tasks that save me, even as my impatient mind lurches forwards, consumed with worry and with goals. I can do nothing really, except whatever it is I am doing right now. Here: afternoon, stormy skies, my knees pulled up to my chest the way I often sit when I write, the soles of my bare feet on the seat of the chair. Here, with a jar of irises and buttercups and a dirty milk glass left from lunch. Here with the sweet fruity scent of freshly made apricot-strawberry jam (I’ve been loving making quick jam lately, to eat with homemade bread. The perfect snack.)
Here at the table with the windows open, with my heart open, with the chickens pecking at the grass out the back door. So. This is my life today.
Stop. What are the moments happening right here for you? What is today in your life?
You & Me Now
Posted on | June 20, 2009 | 14 Comments
It’s night and things have maybe stopped
spinning for a while.
You walk over to me, arms bare.
Anything can happen now; everything is.
But when come to me in your red t-shirt
in the semi-dark; when you reach out,
and fold your around my shoulders,
I can feel the heat of you through the cotton,
and I can hear your heart, and
even if we lose everything we’ll still be rich
because of this
the way I can press my face against your chest
and feel like I am home.
So it begins…
Posted on | June 18, 2009 | 4 Comments
Sprout is teething. Definitively. Soaked through several shirts. Chomping on everything, and he’s miserable. Utterly. Hence we are miserable utterly. Didn’t I just say it’s had been easy? What was I thinking? I was asking for it, that’s what.
Don’t you ever wonder about those apparent universal laws? When it rains, it pours… you know, that stuff. The way certain things seem jinxed, fortuitous, inevitable. What’s up with that? And also, why is it that negative energy attracts negative energy so much more powerfully than positive energy seems to attract the positive?
Already here
Posted on | June 17, 2009 | 15 Comments
A little bit of photo booth goofiness for your Wednesday. It’s how we started our morning, at the counter and on the couch smooching and giggling, me and my two boys. (Don’t you just love Bean’s little broccoli top?)
It is already mid June. I can’t believe it really. How the time blurs once the days warm up. Buttercups are everywhere, daisies, the first wild strawberries in little glades at the edge of the woods.
The goose is broody. Bean stuck two hens eggs into the warm circle of her nest and there she sits, some patient instinct advising her to hunker down and wait for new life to happen.
The New Hampshire reds we got in the mail a few weeks ago are feeling plucky with a new set of rust colored feathers. They’re in an outside run now, scuttling about, catching bugs. They’re fun to watch. I love the way instinct summons chickenness for them. It’s evident in all the ways that they are: heads bobbing, peeping to one another sociably, grooming their new plumage, and to think they’ve never had a mother.
We’re so different, with our long babyhood, then childhood stretching out for years and years. I watch Bean learn new words. He repeats them, uses them in context. I am utterly enamored with the way he is right now: full of drawings and ideas. His pictures are jam-packed with action: wheels turning, light switches, fire hoses, robots, homes for little mice.
On his bike he’s become a daredevil, skidding to a stop, making dizzy loops around the road, cutting tight corners, riding over the bumpiest of potholes at high speeds. I love watching him ride. I love his yellow thunderbolt helmet and his lightening grin as he passes by, legs going at top speed. He is perpetually dirty this summer. Jam on his shorts, on his chin. Mud on his feet and grass stains. He goes through two sets of clothes a day, easy. Sometimes more.
In the garden we’re mostly done planting. Bean comes down with me in the morning while Sprout naps, and we get an hour or so in before we hear him on the monitor.
This year’s crop: moon & stars melons, sugar babies, lemon cucumbers, zucchini, yellow crook-necked squash, potatoes, rainbow chard, yellow peppers, five kinds of tomatoes, purple cabbage, carrots, broccoli, radishes, four kinds of lettuce, spinach, ashworth corn, onions, parsley, dill, thyme, oregano, basil, rosemary, chives and sage.
As the short growing season heats up, I’ll be planting more flowers, more carrots, more cucumbers for pickling (DH has a ridiculous pickle habit). We never got our act together with the berries, but Bean and I have scoped out a copious patch down by the neighbor’s pond that we aim to visit in a couple of weeks.
We have fun in the garden. I made Bean a tepee out of slender logs. Then gave him a packet of beans to plant, and sunflowers, and pumpkins all around. Today while I was spreading straw he came down to the garden dragging a quilt to hang over the tipi frame. Inside is a quiet secret little boy space full of packed dirt and small rocks, a pine bow for a broom, a magic door. In his bouncy seat, Sprout watches, pleased as peas.
I realize lately that I haven’t written about Sprout much. I expected to have more to say, honestly. I expected it to be harder, to be more of a fight to adjust to life with two boys, but in truth it’s been a breeze. He sleeps. That’s the main thing. And I say this with utter awe and gratitude and reverence because Bean did not sleep so I know. But Sprout sleeps and he smiles and he’s trying to sit up already. He lies on his belly and watches Bean play with matchbox cars and he’s as happy as a little fat clam. He grins and he giggles when you zerber his tummy, and he mostly just feels like he’s been here with us forever. Four of us.
I know this post is all over the map. I’ve been working on my book every night after the boys go to bed, more words there, less words here I guess. But I have questions for you today. A little bit of informal research.
What does settling down mean to you?
How does marriage change you?
How do children change you?
If you could chose all over again (or if you have not yet chosen), would you stay footloose and single? Why or why not?
It’s on, skunk.
Posted on | June 15, 2009 | 9 Comments
I watched the skunk leave tonight, burrowing it’s little nose into the wet grass, looking for worms. DH and I went out and blocked every hole under the dining room where it seems to live, with great big rocks.
Now my clothes reek faintly of skunk. I sit with one knee up, trying to put more sentence on the page, and become distracted again and again by the aroma.
What if that was the mate? What if there is yet another skunk under the house now, trapped. What then?
It makes me laugh, realizing this is what I will remember from June. The scent of skunk will be forever linked with the summer Bean was four and a half, with the summer Sprout began to sit, with the months money was tight and I started working on my book for real. I wonder if it will really imprint like this?
What will you remember June for?
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