Bittersweet market
Posted on | December 29, 2005 |
The bitter sweetness of the day began while parking the car in at the Italian market in Philadelphia. DH got a call from the real estate agent. The house closing which was slated for next week has been put off—for weeks possibly—because the sellers don’t want to be inconvenienced. I tried to let the news settle as I looked out the window at people passing: a lady with strawberry blonde hair and a boy in a baby stroller; an old black woman with beautiful eyes, burgundy lipstick and misconfigured teeth; two Italian men both wearing dark wool coats and laughing. And it all seemed suddenly bland.
A hard pit of disappointment pressed up against my solar plexus. I unbuckled Bean and scooped him out of his car seat. I walked a block back and forth waiting for DH to call the sellers to try and renegotiate the date, but came back negative. The seller said she doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE INCONVENIENCED. Really. Who says that when they’re trying to sell a house? Who? Tense and deflated I snapped at DH in front of the in laws right inside the door of a bustling café where everyone was ordering up lattes and cannolis. With even poorer form, I passed Bean to DH and walked out of the café. I hate it when I’m like that. But sometimes all the racket of this little clan of concerned family makes this worse, not better.
Again I walked up and down the block, past pigs heads hanging in the window with their eyeballs stuck open, the upside down pheasants with their feathers still intact, and the crates full of chard and tomatoes and fava beans. I couldn’t quite get a grip on myself. I wanted to be angry at DH for being tense—but I knew I was being just as tense. I wanted to be angry at DH for having a strained interaction in front of his parents, but I knew I’d caused the interaction. Feeling belly up and angry I sat outside the café with my camera trying to find the color and vibrancy I had expected from the day. Within minutes joined me, and after batting words around for awhile I was able to articulate my fear: what if we loose the house entirely? He heard me and cupped his fingers over mine.
Trying to soak up a city in a leisurely manner with seven people is a ludicrous expectation. Just finding a restaurant took walking back and forth the length of the same block several times and much hemming and hawing. Finally we ate at bistro where the waiter also seemed to be the cook and the host. The pepper and sausage sandwiches were fair at best, but the mood loosened as Bean sucked down linguini and rubbed sauce onto the tablecloth. After the meal we walked the length of the market, poking into spice shops and cheese shops, laughing with shopkeepers and eating aged balsamic vinegar with ricotta salata cheese, and espresso.
On the way back the sky broke open just above the city, gold against gray. So beautiful it took my breath away. And yet I couldn’t get a picture through the rearview window because Bean kept grabbing at my lens. I’m still trying to get the hang of this photography stuff. Sometimes the lens picks up something more exquisite than I notice with my bare eye, and other times the image that I see—the whirling of school children playing in a park, or the fire of the sun melting down around the dark silhouettes of buildings—looks washed-out and brittle compared with the way they really are.
Girl on bike.
Looking for upbeat.
Phasants in the window.
Mural of a faroff place.
Self portrait in the car.
Click here for a flickr slideshow of more pictures from today.
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18 Responses to “Bittersweet market”
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December 29th, 2005 @ 1:10 am
Sorry to hear you’re feeling stressed. I hope all goes well with the house. Take care of yourself.:+)
December 29th, 2005 @ 1:23 am
I am feeling pitted in sympathy. I didn’t enjoy as much of the first six months of 2005, where I should have been a joyful mom but was run down instead by the tumultuous ups and downs of finding a home and dealing with contracts. It’s heartbreaking.
Don’t forget to jog off some steam!
December 29th, 2005 @ 3:12 am
Patience in the face of stress, it’s the virtue I have the most difficulty cultivating. Perspective is the only antidote that works for me.
December 29th, 2005 @ 5:59 am
struggling to get what we want, and then struggling to keep what we have, this is how we know the value of things, and how dear to us, how precious they are. for me, this is how I learn to be grateful everyday.
I’m keeping you in my thoughts and crossing my fingers for you Christina.
December 29th, 2005 @ 6:31 am
Oh UGH, what misery to have to wait and to worry. Hang in there, blue-eyed-girl.
December 29th, 2005 @ 8:01 am
i know you are probably going to hate
my saying this
because i desperately hated when people
said it to me while we were going thru
the agonizing 3 month torture of waiting
to purchase our house
but if it is meant to be, it will come…
and this was meant to be…
don’t beat yourself up over being
tense, disappointed, or upset about it…
it happens to the best of us…
my fingers are crossed for you
oh..and beautiful self portrait in the car!
December 29th, 2005 @ 10:16 am
Steph is right - go running.
I hate the entire business of buying a home.
I make K do as much as possible…I just can’t bear it.
And every day my heart was up, or down, or completely anxiety ridden.
I am sorry. I am.
It is your HOME — and the seller has no right to feel trivial about it.
I admire you for being able to express your feelings about it all.
December 29th, 2005 @ 10:21 am
This is a beautiful post in all of its honesty. I hate when I re-act in situations like that, too…but it doesn’t seem to stop me from doing it. That self-portrait seemed to perfectly capture those kinds of moments.
December 29th, 2005 @ 11:44 am
I’m sorry to hear of the closing delays.. hope your week improves!
December 29th, 2005 @ 12:49 pm
This may be disappointing but you are definitely getting the hang of your camera! These photos are beautiful.
December 29th, 2005 @ 2:24 pm
Oh sweetie I know just how ya feel. I do agree with gkgirl though, there were a couple places for us that fell through and made me SO sad, but in hindsight it was good that happened. Hang in there.
I do love these photos, especially the last one of you. You’re all SUPA glam and stuff.
December 29th, 2005 @ 4:52 pm
Your photos are so beautiful. And you found some bright spots.
December 29th, 2005 @ 5:08 pm
hearing disappointing news like that is bad enough, but having to deal with it while out of your normal environment and routine… that’s really tough. keep your chin up as best you can, in the end it really will work out for the best.
December 29th, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
girl, you are so human. if you hadn’t reacted badly, I would have thought you were repressing. This stuff isn’t easy (neither is typing with a crazy baby in arms, so forgive me) and it gives you some unexpected kicks.
Don’t push the river.
And your self portrait is stunningly beautiful. Really great shot of a really lovely woman.
December 30th, 2005 @ 12:27 am
Oh i hope it goes much better tomorrow! And I echo the thoughts of you reacting in a very human way.
Your self portrait is fantastic…
I send you moments of quiet just for you in the midst of it all.
December 30th, 2005 @ 11:20 am
Oh, how could you both NOT be upset over this? I think you handled it well - honestly, at that moment, instead of bottling it all up and seething with resentment, spoiling the whole day with things unsaid.
Your pictures are amazing, always, to me. I think you are so brave, snapping pictures out in the hustle bustle of a city.
December 30th, 2005 @ 9:34 pm
wow amazing photos!
January 5th, 2006 @ 4:12 pm
I am salivating over these photos, they are so ripe, so saturated with color…! (though it stinks about the setback with the sellers, really… it just stinks)