Face to face
Posted on | January 29, 2006 |
I joined a marathon training class last week, and on Tuesday I sat in a room with twenty other people (all but two of which were women) for the first class, where we got to meet each other, talk about our goals, and take a peak at the crazy running schedule we’ve all decided to partake of that will have us running 40 miles a week by early May.
It was funny sitting there, looking at each woman’s face. I imagine all of us were doing the same thing: looking at each other. Sizing each other up in one way or another—looking for inspiration or camaraderie or competition. Yet aside from our names (written on blue and white labels on our shirts) and our previous running experience, we shared very little with one another verbally; most of the information we gathered about each other was based on our visual impressions.
I think it is interesting that when we encounter another person face to face we immediately label them based on the visual information we gather in those few split seconds of meeting. First we label gender. Our minds get hung up on this. If it isn’t easy to discern, we keep looking for identifiers—long hair maybe, or breasts or an angular jaw. Then we look for similarities to ourselves: age, attire, and physical stature, all become a part of the equation we seem to use to decide if we have enough in common to take the risk of starting a conversation.
It takes so much to get past this visual labeling system, and because of it, it often takes a long time to get to know someone new. There are many delicate ‘first date’ conversations as we seek to align ourselves compatibly with one another. Information is conveyed through actions and looks just as much as it is conveyed through words. By comparison, the medium of the blog makes this visual labeling system take the back seat. Through a blog, it is easy to get right to the heart of things—to just out and say things, divulging our selves without the varnish we put on for first impressions.
Through blogging I have found many women who I am inspired by, and feel connected to because of our shared experiences, or insights, or humor, or art. Yet I wonder: would we have made these connections if we had initially met as strangers face to face? Sitting there in a room full of other women, each of us looking with wide eyes at the training schedule for all the remaining weeks between now and the end of May, I wanted for just a moment to not see them, and to have instead see the things that really matter to them.
I would know so much more about the woman sitting across from me if I could know that she likes dark plums, black tea, and writing with India ink, and that she just broken up with her boyfriend of four years. Instead all I could gather was that she was probably in her early thirties, has short hair and red shoes, and took a really long time to fill out the marathon registration page.
I can’t help but wonder: am I the only one who feels this way, or is it something innate in the way we interact? Is it easier to take risks with friendship when you don’t have to think about that coffee stain on your shirt or the way your breath smells. Is more at stake when we meet face to face than there is across the page?
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16 Responses to “Face to face”
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January 29th, 2006 @ 1:04 am
A belated happy birthday, Christina! And, we must be on the same wavelength this evening. Go take a gander at my short blog post. Seems like we’re both kind of wondering about the whys of blogging right now. You make a really interesting point and that is something I have loved about blogging too.
I also LOVE this painting. I am not a marathon runner, the most I could ever see doing is a half marathon or 10K, but I love the power of what you painted. It is how I feel when I run too…
January 29th, 2006 @ 2:03 am
I feel exactly that way whenever I go to playgroups with my children. I look at the Moms and wonder about their lives, but everything seems to be kept on the surface. Part of it is maybe me just not feeling comfortable approaching new people(which wasn’t the case in a business or college setting) I have lived in my house for over four years and I only know one neighbor by name. In contrast…I have emersed myself in this safe haven of the blog world. I am open, honest, and so much less judgemental…women of all ages and backgrounds and geography coming together in community. I think this way of connecting is such a beautiful gift.
January 29th, 2006 @ 10:46 am
A number thoughts came to me after reading this post but I will share these two … First, you readers are not exclusively women - I hope the blogging community is a more inclusive place than the solid world … Second, it is fundamentaly different here, where our first impressions are comprised of words, ideas, thoughts … where we show the world the person we know we are, not who we may appear to be.
January 29th, 2006 @ 12:07 pm
Just wanted to pop in real quick and let you know I happened across your website and have now bookmarked you. Truly an inspiring site.
Thank you,
andrea
January 29th, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
Interesting thoughts, Christina… and I do find it refreshing to be able to make connections online where we can generally get past the surface to the heart and soul of a person. In many ways it is easier to find others with parallel thinking and similar paths to ourselves.
In a few months I will be going to an event where I will meet several women that I have only known online through their blogs and via email. I am a bit curious as to how the face-to-face interaction will be… If I get along with someone online will it be so in person, too? Or will the dynamic between us suddenly be awkward? Will my perception of their online persona be accurate or way off?
January 29th, 2006 @ 2:00 pm
I agree with Richard that it’s easier to open up when you have relative anonymity or you’re not going to run into someone at the supermarket who has been reading your deepest thoughts — at least I’m not, because I don’t tell everyone I know about my blog since I have a “day job” that I like to keep separate. In the face-to-face world I take more time to trust, I’m more tentative when meeting new people. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad–maybe just different ways of communicating. I’ll be starting a painting/drawing class this week with strangers and I’m excited about it but a bit intimidated too. How long will it take to become comfortable around them, what if I freeze up because their skills are more advanced, what should I wear…all the random junk that accumulates around new experiences for me. Love the painting!
January 29th, 2006 @ 2:09 pm
“Yet I wonder: would we have made these connections if we had initially met as strangers face to face?”
I have had the same thought, and I believe that in mnay cases, a relationship might not have developed. I feel lucky to have “met” some great people online–people who I might not get to know in the real world.
Great log by the way. I can’t remember how I found you (Indigo Leaf magazine maybe?). Take care.
January 29th, 2006 @ 2:14 pm
I am not sure how true it is for everyone, but for me, I certainly have opened up to people online. It just seems easier to express my true feelings, however silly they are. Also, there is no prejudging based on any number of factors, appearance, eduaction, employment etc. And what I have learned from online blogs is that most of us seem to have the same kind of emotions, same warm fuzzy feelings, same insecurities and somehow I have come away with the impression that no matter how different we all are, most people, when you really come to know them, are nice. I have become more open with my coworkers now and am not ashamed to exhibit my ignorance on various topics and I found out, often there are people who can enlighten me. They also do it with pleasure and without any reservations. Of course, I have run into the occasional high and mighty, but I steer clear away from them.
January 29th, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
This is a great post.
It’s much easier for me to express myself through words typed than words spoken. There are times when I really have to work hard at trying to verbally convey my feelings, yet when I sit down infront of a keyboard they flow freely. And, like you, I often look at strangers and wonder how much more intimately I’d know them if I could communicate with them only by the written word.
January 29th, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
You are so insightful and accomplished. I can’t believe you’re only 28. I can’t wait to see what the upcoming years bring for you, and what you’ll bring to the world.
I am green with envy over your commitment to your training. You have so many built in excuses not to - you’re remodeling a house, mothering a child, creating art - and yet you are still doing it. The only place I run to is the refrigerator. However, I can feel the winds of change in 2006 and I think I may sign up for a friend’s morning exercise “boot camp.” Thanks for the inspiration.
January 29th, 2006 @ 11:11 pm
I agree that meeting across the written (web)page makes it easier. I think it is, in part, because I can choose what to put on my blog. I can censor out the boring hum of my life and share only that which shows my world in the light I wish others to see it. I don’t think I am conscious of this most of the time - I just want to tell a good story - but sometimes I do think about all the stories that go untold.
Perhaps we also feel more of a connection when we know details about someone, and those details take time to reveal themselves when we’re doing the friendship dance in person. We usually share the big picture first - I’m from here and I do this job and I like dogs. In contrast, our blogs often reveal the details we either wouldn’t want or wouldn’t think to share: stories of childhood, favorite books, what we made for dinner last night.
January 31st, 2006 @ 11:13 am
Very interesting thoughts. I met someone through blogging who I subsequently discovered (from someone who knows the person in the real world) has Aspergers syndrome. I would never have guessed it through the medium of writing. What a boon the Internet is for people who find it difficult to communicate through the subtleties of eye contact, gesture and facial expression. I think that’s also why so many people (particularly men) so often resort to communication at a distance - an e-mail removes the minefield of getting tone and gesture wrong.
By the way I love your photographs of the Bean - he is such a beautiful child.
February 1st, 2006 @ 11:52 am
These are good questions. I think I have several blog friends whom I probably never would’ve connected with in person.
I think, though, that we would hit it off if we had met first face to face. I could totally see us meeting in a coffee shop somewhere and baby bonding!
February 1st, 2006 @ 6:24 pm
christina, I cannot tell you how many times I have thought of my ‘online connections’ in this very way… I have made such STRONG connections… and I wonder the same thing– if I met each of my new friends out in the world, would we make the same strong connections, be as supportive of each other as we are here (in this intangible incredible little community)… I have given this a lot of thought and I do think there’s something to not having to worry about first impressions and such. we find each other in the most amazing ways and share so much with each other (art, photography, words, personal experience) on a daily basis. it’s pretty amazing thing… and definitely interesting to think about.
February 10th, 2006 @ 10:39 am
Wow, great post. I do think of these things when meeting new people. It is often so hard to get past the superficial, and the real is often in contradiction to the superficial. I love to find out who people really are, and I spend a lot of time in new groups listening and watching, and trying to discern the real person underneath.
I think I love blogs for this reason, because people do seem to reveal more of their true selves, but there is also the fact that a blog is what you want to put out there. How this person is in real life might still be a contradiction. It is all very fascinating, to be sure!
February 18th, 2006 @ 3:24 pm
This perfectly sums up why I love the blogosphere as much as I do. Without the visual cues, we’re able to let go of assumptions and judgments and just BE OURSELVES…the ones we typically only reveal to our closest loved ones. How utterly amazing that we do it so easily with total strangers through our blogs.