Becoming
Posted on | March 4, 2006 |
To grow is to go beyond
what you are today.
Stand up as yourself.
Do not imitate.
Do not pretend to have achieve your goal,
and do not try to cut corners.
Just grow.
–Svami Prajnanpad
***
I am surrounded by notebooks, and I am taking notes. Like an archeologist, I am looking for clues about the piece (a book?) I am trying to write. I want to find the veins that traverse it, that bring meaning to it’s peripheries. I am re-reading all the scribbled pages and documents I’ve written since the winter of 2004 when I was hugely pregnant, exhausted, and severely dislocated from my sense of self. It is startling and sometimes funny to go back and read all the thoughts I’ve dutifully recorded.
Over and over againI write the same things, tugging at the girdle of phrasing, couching my words this way and then that—trying to get closer to truth. And then over and over I forget.
I find I’ve written things down that make me laugh out loud. Like this:
“I look around the apartment today and think: god, I’ve all but killed the houseplants.”
Other things make me go quiet inside, the way a bird must feel after it has landed.
Like this:
“The map of your identity changes when you love someone. “
**
“On the train home, we slice through the dark—an isolated rectangle of light and breath and shifting weight.”
**
“The days of recovery from labor and bonding with Bean have blurred together into a continuous present. I find I am unable to think very far forward or backward and instead end up lingering in the moment doing nothing except watching and listening to my son breathe.”
**
“His little fingers curl around my thumb, and I am learning humility now. The moments of each days fabric have become a string of little wonderments. Little things matter now. Like coffee, and the incredible smell of his hair.”
**
“Everyone lives through periods of intense change, yet few give pause to these moments of turbulence. Few are present and reflective right in the moment of becoming.”
**
I’ve started to feel present in the story I am trying to write for the first time, and have begun to realize that it is more than a story about birth (my son’s) or death (my father’s) or love (my parents, my own). It is a story about becoming.
I want to know your stories of becoming.
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11 Responses to “Becoming”
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March 4th, 2006 @ 5:10 am
“present in the story I am trying to write”…what a lovely phrase. And it seems to apply to so much more than just words on paper.
March 4th, 2006 @ 9:54 am
I think you captured the epitome of motherhood in this line:
“I find I am unable to think very far forward or backward…doing nothing except watching and listening to my son breathe.”
Amazing truths you tell yourself Christine. Excellent!
a.
March 4th, 2006 @ 11:18 am
I’d like to write about becoming. You are motivating me to slow down when our home vibrates under the pulse of three frenetic children ( my husband included). You are so careful to observe in a way I only occasionally succeed. Reading your blog is like being in school; I come every day to listen from a classmate.
March 4th, 2006 @ 11:52 am
“Stories of becoming” … there are many of course… you may have realized that in the way you phrased the request.
There are instances of revelation, the “aha” moment, sometimes captured then and there, sometimes in retrospect.
Many of these are written down, some as well as you do, some perhaps not so well. The phrase is not as insightful or carefully polished (intentionally or not).
They generally are works in progress, much like life, sometimes I am still like the kid who wants to know; “Are we there yet?” When you are an adult, who answers that question for you? You should of course, answer it four yourself. But do we all know where we are going, or do we just know the general direction?
I’d like to be able to crystalize the story of becoming, I think it may come out something like a poem, more “perfectly” composed.
In the meantime, I work on the drafts. Words on a page, thought over and revised.
Good luck with your becoming, it will be good to follow along. There are many of us on the road.
March 4th, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
That is a beautiful painting! It conveys my recent mood perfectly.
March 4th, 2006 @ 1:07 pm
your words amaze me. you put into words my thoughts and feelings that i cannot express. you are such an amazing writer. i can’t wait to read your booK!
tara
March 4th, 2006 @ 3:12 pm
I love reading what you have to say…and I love the topic of “becoming”…must explore that more…
March 4th, 2006 @ 4:09 pm
Has it occurred to you to create a little book just from those little passages…those little gems that we re-read later with surprise?
March 6th, 2006 @ 12:46 am
Love this!
I just wrote ONE of my stories of becoming on my site. There are many.
March 6th, 2006 @ 10:30 pm
I’m working on becoming everyday…like you, I felt almost divorced from myself while pregnant, but it’s been such a miraculous time from her birth until now. I feel a sense of possibility I have not felt for a long time. Just learning (relearning?) to really observe my surroundings–to pay attention to my leanings and inclination. It’s as though I am falling in love twice…once with my daughter, and once with myself.
March 16th, 2006 @ 12:05 am
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