Time for sleep
Posted on | April 3, 2006 |
Even now, after a year, sleep isn’t the same. Maybe it will never be like it was pre-baby: eight hours without a single moment of semi-consciousness. Now night is a blur of dreams, wide awake moments flushed with hormonal heat, moments yanked from sleep yet again, moments still nursing.
As a result some days my moods are like salmon migrating upstream. Often, they storm the turbines of my heart. Up, then down. Flailing. Inevitably.
Today, after a weekend of sun, fun, extroversion, and no naps, I woke up exhausted, with mastitis. Again. The cumulative lack of deep sleep has caught up. Things feel tangential and disconnected.
Most weeks I stay up late into the evening. These nighttime hours are my time for painting and writing; for locating the fragile connective tissue that holds my days together. This only works if I get a nap in with Bean in the morning, though.
We curl like puppies, a tangle of limbs under the down comforter. His bare feet pressed into my belly. We sleep like this for an hour at least. Sometimes two, and everything is okay. But last week there were no naps. Days of go, go, go. Days of longer sunlight. More to do. Friends visiting. Deadlines. It’s easy for me to try to live on credit with myself. To take out debt after debt in the sleep department.
I’m trying to learn how to listen to my body. To heed the warning signs. But it’s hard when most days I feel like I accomplish so little. A handful of sentences written maybe. Possibly a load of laundry. (And of course caring for Bean.) It’s hard to allow this to be enough. I’m so goal driven, so pushy, and impatient. It’s hard to bring myself back to the present and wait for the well to fill again.
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19 Responses to “Time for sleep”
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April 4th, 2006 @ 1:29 am
Wait until you have two (or more!) kids. Talk about depletion. I remember indulging naps and luxurious introversion. And then my baby grew, and then I had another!
I am still having a hard time keeping up with their social schedule. Go go go!
Chat chat chat!
Pick up this,
wipe up that
April 4th, 2006 @ 1:32 am
…and get well! I really can sympathize. Hopefully, it will have cleared up by tomorrow morning. Hugs!
April 4th, 2006 @ 4:08 am
I remember this feeling so well. And with a second child who refused to sleep throug the night until she was 5, and even then wasn’t/isn’t consistent, some days I feel as if I would give ANYTHING for more sleep and more TIME.
April 4th, 2006 @ 8:57 am
the barefeet pressed on your belly is amazing isn’t it? my girl is leggy but when we sleep, our foreheads pressed together, her tiny feet rest on my thighs and it’s a favorite for me. sort of makes up for the lack of sleep.
April 4th, 2006 @ 9:35 am
“But it’s hard when most days I feel like I accomplish so little”
??@#?@?@?#??????
WHAT????? Surely you jest. Either that or some very serious recalibration must occur stat. You are amazing to me in ALL that you accomplish EVERY DAMN DAY. Please woman, please, I beg of you— be gentler with yourself— cut yourself some serious slack. Stop pushing so hard. You are here. Now. Here. You are here, now. There’s no where to push to. It’s all here now. Please rest, snooze, stretch out on the couch, and rest some more. You need comfort and ease. Pour on the comfort and ease, please.
April 4th, 2006 @ 9:37 am
oh dear– that sounded so harsh– I can be so intense *thump on the head to me*
It’s just that you are pure magic. Pure magic. And I need to rush in and defend you from any inner critic that would so much as dare to suggest you “accomplish little” I want to take that inner critic and strangle them.
You are perfect in every way. And you do so much. So much. I hope you can excel and nurturing yourself and outdo yourself in allowing yourself to do nothing.
April 4th, 2006 @ 9:44 am
Mastitis, ouch. I hope it goes away, quickquick.
Sleep… how I miss it. Here’s wishing more sleep to everyone!
April 4th, 2006 @ 10:35 am
Bummer. I can’t even being to imagine how much that must hurt. And the whole “lack-of-sleep” factor I always hear about is seriously one of the best forms of birth control for me now! I LOVE my sleep!
Hope you feel better soon.
April 4th, 2006 @ 10:39 am
Ooohhh…so very painful, good luck and take care of yourself. Try to leave the laundry, no matter how hard it is. Have you tried taking lecethin? It always helps me. Take care and remind yourself that it will pass.
April 4th, 2006 @ 11:26 am
The sleep thing-or lack of-it’s a killer. I wish I could say it gets better-it doesn’t-we are like momma animals- out in wild- we sleep with one eye and ear, focused on our young. And the hormone nite sweats are the worst. The mood changes are scary and hard and difficult-the best we can do, is to know we aren’t alone- Your not alone!
Sorry your not feeling well and I hope you feel better soon.
April 4th, 2006 @ 1:00 pm
I remember the no sleep thing all too well. My youngest is 6 now and I’ve only been getting a decent nights sleep since she started school.
Even then though, it’s hard to get sleep because there are so many things that need to get done after the children go to bed. I’ve had to learn to limit myself so that I could get a decent nights sleep.
April 4th, 2006 @ 1:39 pm
I learned I had to sleep in college - as a singer, I could tell how many hours I was lacking with the scratchy sounds that came out of my mouth. Of course, my sleep was a choice I made then, not dictated by a hungry Bean! But sleep is so very important, I agree. Your brain just doesn’t work without a good rest.
I hope you feel better soon, and yes, yes, I echo my darling BP. You are so greatly accomplished, you amaze me. What other new mother creates so prolifically, writes like a dream, and oh yeah, is remodeling her new home? Not to mention being the main caregiver to the Bean? Be gentle with yourself - as the lovely Anne Lamott says, treat yourself like a beloved relative. I know it’s hard asthere’s so much bursting to come forth!
April 4th, 2006 @ 3:20 pm
Hi Christina!
Just popped in to say that I like the new masthead (or whatever else you call that header thing). Looks good!
April 5th, 2006 @ 12:36 am
I’ve been feeling the lack of sleep more than usual for the past two days, too. Besides more activity because of good weather, maybe changing the clocks has something to do with it? Of course, mastitis makes everything worse. Hope you feel better soon!
April 5th, 2006 @ 9:41 am
I absolutely relate to this post. And I’ve learned a few things.
1. You have -got- to make time for sleep. Seriously. It affects your health, your outlook, everything.
2. Babies need different things at different times in order to take naps. Each time my baby has been resistant to taking a nap, I try new things until I find the fit. Around eight months, she would only fall asleep in her high chair, at which point I could transfer her to her crib. Okay! A few months later, she’d go to sleep in her crib if I sat in the room with her and said “Shhh” every time she “peeped” for a minute or two. A few months after that, she went right to sleep in her crib- if I left the room. Now, she goes in her crib and plays for a few minutes. After a while, I come by and tap on the door and say “Shh” and she throws herself down dramatically and goes to sleep. Don’t be afraid to try new nap strategies with Bean. You need that naptime as much as he does.
And hang in there!
And I LOVE these paintings. You are amazing.
April 5th, 2006 @ 10:15 am
oh my! I hope you have a speedy recovery and can find sometime for rest. Who says everyday has to be full of accomplishments anyway? Somedays just getting out of bed is something to be cheered. I am sending you all of my most peaceful and relaxing thoughts!
And I adore your new banner - beautiful!
April 5th, 2006 @ 3:43 pm
yes you’re right, it is hard when it doesn’t seem like enough…and it never seems like enough.
April 5th, 2006 @ 3:50 pm
I can totally relate to your words. And Mastitis, what a freaking bummer? (How do you like my Utah Slang, by the way? “Freaking”)
Just yesterday, I couldn’t handle my zombie-like state any longer. At 4PM I collapsed on my bed for the best catnap ever. I still have a hard time remembering to listen to my body. Thank you for reminding me. You say it so well.
April 5th, 2006 @ 8:56 pm
The sleep thing is SO hard…it never seems to resolve itself. She’s 8 months old and I feel like I’m smoothing the lumps under a rug…if one corner flattens and is under control, another corner looms, bulging.
Feel better.