Self portrait as: trying to get the balance right
Posted on | July 25, 2006 |
The morning after our fight feels exactly the way it does when you walk outside after a rainstorm: everything is washed clean, and light refracts from a thousand small droplets of water.
He looks different to me: maybe more like the person he really is. And as I watch him making coffee, I see that this is what marriage is: a process of holding the mirror up again and again for each other, so that we may see ourselves anew—and also, so that we may be seen anew. It takes both: to see, and to be seen, to become truly aware of ourselves—and despite the hurt of it, this is what we offer each other in the moments when we hurl words about in the narrow place of our anger.
I catch myself sucking in air, realizing that no matter how long we’ve known each other, I’ll only know a small sliver of who he is. This is why I’m grateful for our moments of tension—because they force something deeper to open, and for a brief moment I catch a glimpse of the him that’s bigger than the picture I already have.
It is so easy to grow accustomed to seeing only the part of him that is us. The person that picks up where I leave off, emptying the dishwasher, sautéing zucchini, running Bean’s bath, or the other myriad things we do together every day. Easier still to see him for the things he doesn’t do—the small, banal things that don’t really matter at all, that my mind alights on like a hungry vulture after a day spent giving, without time to myself.
Today I lie in the tall grass on the hill behind our house, all alone. The green is so vibrant here it almost sings: the foliage is such a riot of emerald hues, dense with insects and ruffled in the wind. I close my eyes and let go, feeling the earth spin.
I feel my cells drinking this solitude, replenishing the part of me that has grown sparse in the past few months, when every moment was jam-packed with responsibility for things that had very much to do with us, but never to do with simply me. I know he feels this too, this fierce need for time spent all alone doing things according to pure selfish whimsy. We both thirst for it, just as we thirst for each other, and this is the push-pull I think we’ll always feel. A struggle to find the balance between our separate selves, and the self that is sum of our love.
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21 Responses to “Self portrait as: trying to get the balance right”
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July 25th, 2006 @ 11:09 pm
beautiful.
July 25th, 2006 @ 11:14 pm
Sometimes I wish it were possible to have the after-the-fight feelings and refreshment without the fight, the morning after without the thunderstorm the night before. I hate arguing with dh, too often I just clam up. But I think you’re right, that we learn about each other when we let go & are honest about what we’re feeling, even when, and maybe especially when, it’s anger. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & insights on this. How can a fight be all bad when you feel closer & stronger afterwards?
July 25th, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
Beautiful photo!
July 25th, 2006 @ 11:35 pm
marriage is complex, no? our fights almost always come when the days have been long and neither of us has had time alone. take two people with a love of language and add anger, and we can go several rounds just arguing about semantics. but it does cleanse us, and force us to look at each other in a new light.
July 25th, 2006 @ 11:53 pm
I think it’s necessary that you’ve moved out into the country, Christina, even though you mentioned having questions about it. This is such a big part of you, the need for solitude and open spaces. I just love your new home, and I say that because you truly make it come alive on the page. And the photos are beautiful. I wish I were able to let go like that in front of the camera; by contrast I always look like such a dork!
Steph
July 26th, 2006 @ 12:11 am
yes, a thousand times yes. The picture, the words, the truth. That idea that no matter how well and long we’ve known our love, there is always something we can’t know about them. And that it can be all too easy to see him as just a part of ‘us’. That really hit the nail on the head for me!
And I love the new banner.
July 26th, 2006 @ 4:30 am
“after a rainstorm” ! I love it. With that clean, washed-feeling and the wiggly worms and the dripping fronds everywhere. You have the most powerful seeing eye.
July 26th, 2006 @ 8:03 am
I wonder if when the time comes I’ll end up with someone who, even after fighting, I learn to love more and know more…that’s the trick, isn’t it? To choose someone that will reveal themselves to you, each part more interesting than the last, bit by bit, year after year. I’ll have to come by here for inspiration and motivation
[PS. people have been commenting on the new look, but everything looks the same to me! :(]
July 26th, 2006 @ 8:05 am
ooops…nevermind. Cleared my cache, etc, and the painting/Rumi popped up!
July 26th, 2006 @ 8:16 am
” like after a rainstorm”. Exactly. Love the comparison…love the way you write.
July 26th, 2006 @ 8:25 am
So beautiful. Have you ever thought about writing a book, Christina?
July 26th, 2006 @ 8:53 am
Ahhh, marriage.Ive been married for 19 years this December, and for me its been a daily labor of love. Wouldnt trade it for the world.
Love the new look!
July 26th, 2006 @ 10:22 am
Yes, Charmaine, every single day. HOW?
July 26th, 2006 @ 11:21 am
Again I love this. It speaks to the realness of a relationship. How it is always both…the difficult and the divine.
You asked how to write a book.
A little each day. one word. one sentence. and then another until you are amazed how it all came together…
you can do it!
July 26th, 2006 @ 11:54 am
Your writing is beautiful and I love to come here to read! It’s almost inspirational and makes me think about me, us, things that I may not have been thinking about before.
July 26th, 2006 @ 2:37 pm
Such a beautiful explanation of the complex thing that marriage is.Love the photo.
July 26th, 2006 @ 7:47 pm
your words, as always, send shivers through my spine. so true, raw and spot on.
July 26th, 2006 @ 9:00 pm
It is nice to hear someone else goes through these things in their marriage. Y’all are so cute in that shot!
July 26th, 2006 @ 10:11 pm
This so beautifully recalls the feelings I felt burning in my own skin in the early days.
I can tell you this. If you honor the push-pull now, it becomes as natural as the rain later. And that’s a beautiful thing, too.
July 27th, 2006 @ 11:36 pm
yes–and i find this to be true in all of my relationships, being a child, being a parent, etc….
July 30th, 2006 @ 10:09 pm
so refreshing to find someone writing about hard things in marriage and love growing deeper. i love love love the way you write.