Like crushing grapes
Posted on | November 20, 2006 |
I feel myself doing the same thing I always do. Like a rodeo pony at the gate, my entire being bucks up against the process of sitting down to write about the things that matter most to me: about trying to make a life. Invariably this work always takes me to the brink of what I know—and pushes me over, to where I plummet wildly into the unknown.
As I sit down to write about things that matter: about my father dying, about the gunman at school, about fighting with my husband, or loving my son fiercely, and I know that I will be changed by the act of writing. It is the act of putting words on the page that defines the reality of the world I inhabit. And so invariably, I resist because I am terrified that the act of delving deeply into this material will bring me face to face with my own small self and demand that I become more pliant. That I take risks or grow in ways I cannot yet fathom.
When I force myself to write like this my heart feels trampled like grapes becoming wine: something comes from the crushing that is sweet and heady and intoxicating, but also, there is the stain of broken skin and the pulp of the fruit that was once a different shape.
Comments
11 Responses to “Like crushing grapes”
Leave a Reply
November 21st, 2006 @ 12:57 am
Wow. “When I force myself to write like this my heart feels trampled like grapes becoming wine: something comes from the crushing that is sweet and heady and intoxicating, but also, there is the stain of broken skin and the pulp of the fruit that was once a different shape.”
Your words are a gift, yet again. And they reminded me of this Thomas Merton quote…
For to write is to love;
it is to inquire and to praise,
to confess and to appeal.
This testimony of love
remains necessary.
Not to reassure myself that I am
but simply to pay my debt to life,
to the world, to other men.
To speak out with an open heart
and say what seems to me to have meaning.
November 21st, 2006 @ 8:16 am
What you wrote here is beautiful. As a reader of your site, I feel lucky to be offered a metaphorical sip of wine here and there.
When I saw these pictures of wine I thought maybe you were painting with the wine. I recently saw a painting made with Wine here: http://thedrawingclub.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_thedrawingclub_archive.html
Cool isn’t it? I thought you might enjoy that link.
November 21st, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
It’s tough. Confronting yourself to perhaps realize or see something that’s been pushed aside, under, or just covered up is a reality most people don’t go looking for. But it’s important to do. It’s something I’m in the process of working on right now. Actually, a book I’m finding quite helpful is called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.
By the way, I finally had your piece of art framed and I have it hung right inside the front door. Will post pictures soon. It’s absolutely lovely.
November 21st, 2006 @ 1:10 pm
your words amaze me.
that’s all i can say is WOW.
i so wish i had your gift. you have so much to say. just do it!
t
November 21st, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
sans the wine, I could not have expressed this better. (replace mother for father.)
thank you for encouragement.
November 21st, 2006 @ 2:45 pm
Your writing just blows me away. As usual.
November 21st, 2006 @ 4:21 pm
Everything you write here is true - it can be a wild ride. I find it interesting that I can have every intention of writing about something safe, and then end up in another land, dredging up feelings and thoughts in a bewildering sort of fashion. But I know it’s good for me, I just need to do it more often.
I am loving the Thomas Merton quote that Lyric shared. It’s definitely going in my journal!
November 21st, 2006 @ 5:10 pm
what if what you come face to face with isn’t your small self but is instead a very large self, a self so big and powerful that it can venture into the unknown even with the fear it drags behind it and all you have to do is trust that bigness
November 21st, 2006 @ 8:28 pm
“And so invariably, I resist because I am terrified that the act of delving deeply into this material will bring me face to face with my own small self and demand that I become more pliant.”
YES! Me too. Well said.
November 21st, 2006 @ 8:29 pm
Oh - and great wine pics. And: are you blogging the AW?
November 22nd, 2006 @ 12:29 am
Teri–I did blog (very badly) about the Artist’s Way a while back, if that’s what you mean… I’m not currently though, no. Why did you ask?