In the midst of it
Posted on | December 6, 2006 |
Flecked across the page, the doorway of my heart, wide bands of color from a horsetail brush, a blade, an inkpen. It’s so easy to be hurt. So easy to withhold even the smallest scrap of willingness to travel on, past the point where words were slung about with careless grandeur. Past where the hurt started, reasonably or not.
I can see my shadow here: my ego eclipsing my own generous spirit. But this is what marriage is, isn’t it? To be shown again and again what we fear to look at the most in ourselves. So easy to call it out, to place the placard of blame on the other standing there, shoulders hunched forward, defensive and yelling. So hard to breathe out, and accept how very small our goodness is, when we’re backed against a wall. To say something, anything, that reaches out like a white flag or a bowl full of alms.
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9 Responses to “In the midst of it”
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December 7th, 2006 @ 12:47 am
yes yes yes. finding myself “in the midst of it” just a few days ago and feeling just what you have put into words here. and i was saying to someone this morning that this is the best and worst thing about marriage - being with someone who really sees YOU. it’s just so hard sometimes when what they mirror back to you in those hot temper moments is a part of yourself you really don’t want to see, don’t want to be. thank you for putting these feelings into such a beautiful combination of words.
December 7th, 2006 @ 4:32 am
Oh god, that hit home.
December 7th, 2006 @ 9:16 am
It’s so good to see your artwork again -
Marriage is hard, and the fights are rough, but at least there is always the knowledge, deep at the heart of it all, that we are loved and held accountable, being refined into better people. It can be very uncomfortable at times.
I’ve just woken up and early this morning I dreamed that Husband and I broke up - it was the worst, in my dream we weren’t married yet and I hated that feeling of terror, of being without love - so grateful to wake up and realize that my love was steady, and slumbering in the bed beside me…
December 7th, 2006 @ 5:25 pm
It’s a thin wall, a wall of tissue, of crepe, of the dearest silk, that keeps pain and bliss apart.
December 7th, 2006 @ 6:51 pm
I am reading this after an argument with my husband which ended in him telling me that I am a bitter pill to live with sometimes and me walking out the door off to work without a response. I completely feel what you are saying about how it is so easy to blame the other: it is so easy to be mad at him for calling me a pill … but so damn hard to realize that I really have been one this week.
December 7th, 2006 @ 9:24 pm
This is such a TRUE post. Having a child has changed the heft and woof of my marriage to such a degree that I can’t even remember what it was like before. I find myself longing for feelings I can’t quite recapture.
But the level of commitment is still there–that sense of working together through ALL of it–even the ugly bits.
Your artwork is so beautiful–its amazing that you can be so talented through word AND image. I’m envious!
December 8th, 2006 @ 2:15 am
it’s like a constant and relentless mirror…always right in front of you. i’ve cracked the mirror, but it still won’t go away.
your post made much sense.
December 8th, 2006 @ 3:26 pm
seeing your artwork is like a sudden deep breath
December 10th, 2006 @ 12:06 am
mm, yes. this is true. there are periods of turbulence and calm and turbulence again.
the art is gorgeous. love it.