Here’s the thing
My mother in law may have, most likely, found my blog. This blog. This place where I write obstinately and openly and whole-heartedly. This place where one minute I’m cold and the next I’m hot, where I fling wildly from one end of the spectrum of emotions to the other, and where I delve, deeply into whatever the present moment means.
The thing is, plenty of people from my ‘real life’ read this blog. Some have obsessively googled their way here against my better wishes, and others have been invited because they get me, and they get that this place provides me with a kind of outlet and solace that my life otherwise doesn’t provide, and they give me space to allow this to happen.
But here’s the thing. My mother in law, though I dearly love her, isn’t someone who knows me deeply enough to create a frame of reference for what I write here. She doesn’t know how to locate the ore in what I write to true the compass needle north; to make what I write a part of a larger topography of meaning for my life. And also, I write here in a way I do not want to share with her, because inevitably, invariably, what I write here will then wend its way back into my life, misconstrued and out of place, in the form of worried queries, small questions, anxious phone messages.
So much spans the gap between us—faith, age, perspective—we couldn’t be farther apart in how we live and think and grow. Which isn’t to say that we’re not close, for we are, when we’re together, in a particular way. We hug and laugh, and she makes the world’s best coffee, and we talk about the latest Tom Cruise scandal, and rehash to it’s minutia every last adorable thing Bean did. And I love having this kind of relationship in my life. I love her easy generosity, her obsession with shopping, and the way that anything my kid does makes her entire day. But the thing is, there is still that vast uncharted territory between us, and it’s there because I need it to be there. It’s there because I am a deeply private person.
Okay, so maybe I’m an idiot to come here at all, having just made that claim. I can see how ludicrous it is to say that I come here to find solace and privacy—because, duh, the Internet is the antithesis of that. Right? I get that it is ridiculous for me to harbor the belief that a public blog is place where I can write and not have to watch my step, or watch my back, or create in endless detail the specific context for everything I write. But truthfully, that is exactly why I come here.
Since I started blogging, I’ve had visitors from Saudi Arabia and Hawaii, from Istanbul and Seoul. Complete strangers send me gifts. People I would never have the opportunity of knowing have become amazing friends, half the world away. I get nearly all my parenting advice from people I’ve never met in person. And yet, almost everyone who comes here, comes here with the knowledge that this small window looks in on the shape of my life, right now, today, and respects that. Most people seem to get that what I write will be as fickle as the tide. Up one day, down the next. That I’ll toss caution to the wind and say what’s on my mind, walking the thin ledge of risk, because I’m trying to reach out and touch the heart of something that is a little bigger than me; because I am hoping that some shred of what I write matters in a new way to someone else. Or so I’d like to hope. This is, after all, why I write here. Because the thirsting part of my writer’s soul wants to grab hold of even the smallest thread dangling from the tapestry of human existence, and make something with it.
So I’m not sure what to do exactly. Not sure where to go with this or how to proceed. The idea of giving up this blog is worse right now than the thought of being plagued by misinterpretation. And perhaps this is all good training wheels. Hell, if I write a book (and I will!) you can bet I’ll be running pell mell across the tight rope of risk, wearing nothing but pair of flimsy paper wings and the wildest grin you’ve ever seen, so I might as well get used to the feeling of being gawked at by the people I love. But I wish, for now anyway, that things could go back to the way they were. That I could write—without feeling like I have to answer for what I write, or explain it; and that the good news and the bad, is taken with a grain of salt, or several, and doesn’t immediately come back to me, via a voicemail. Alas, bridges always seem to be burning while the artist howls at the moon.
Writing, The way I operate, Thoughts & observations |33 Responses to “Here’s the thing”
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You did a wonderful job of tackling this sensitive subject. My hope is that if your MIL has found your blog, that she takes it as an opportunity to understand and learn about the layers of you.
Best of luck - and never feel like you have to answer for what you write here.
“Because the thirsting part of my writer’s soul wants to grab hold of even the smallest thread dangling from the tapestry of human existence, and make something with it.”
And what you make of it is sheer beauty, threads of honesty, risk, adventure, vulnerability, love, fear…you weave reality, hopes, and dreams like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
No one should be given the power to silence your voice or cause you to abandon a sanctuary for your soul.
You answer to your dreams, you must be true to your yearnings for growth and discovery.
I pray you will find courage and peace in whatever you decide…
This is the first time I’ve left a comment though I’ve been reading your topography for six months. I sincerely hope you find a way to keep writing here that feels right & good & open for you now. I recently ‘lost’ one imaginary friend when she decided her blog wasn’t the best way to express herself at this time in her life. I completely understand & respect that decision(it’s part of the reason I don’t have a blog) but I would miss you if I wasn’t able to read your typopgraphy each week. (ps. I’m an author - if you ever want to ask about the tight rope of risk when writing & publishing a book, please do.)
I think your mother-in-law will learn to create a frame of reference for what she finds here, and you might grow even closer.
I blog at Vox now, though, now, for similar reasons. (Not MIL reasons specifically, but being tired of being found by acquaintances.)
Can I just tell you that I am with you in this. My MIL reads my blog which I do not mind at all. However, I have an uncle who molested me as a child and who has told me at a recent family gathering that he found my blog and reads. Talk about a violation. That may be TMI but I just wanted you to know that I COMPLETELY understand your dilemma. The selfish part of me wants you to stay because it’s nice having someone I relate to so much of the time. Maybe consider a password protected readership?
My mom reads my site and it’s an endless battle of subtle misinterpretation with a woman who is deeply insecure. I often grow tired of it… but I stand firmly in the middle of it because I think she has the right to know who I really am. I refuse to censor myself to make her more comfortable and maybe I’m selfish, but it’s my outlet and I need it so we’ll just have to deal. I can tell you though, that some of our greatest discussion have come from something she read and didn’t know about my past. Some of our hardest have come from there as well, but I’m willing to take those when it opens up so much for us.
That’s the way we deal with it in the context of our personal relationship. You two will have to figure out how it fits (or doesn’t) into your own.
my entire family has found my blog.
at first i hated it, but then i remembered that i always want to be honest with myself and with others…you can’t be much more honest than a journal.
i really try to forget who can and can’t read my thoughts, and just worry more about being honest.
you will figure out what is best for you and your family. i have no doubts.
As someone who very carefully censors herself in her own online journal since her ENTIRE family reads it, I can certainly understand your dilemma. I caught my husband reading YOUR blog the other day (hi, honey!) which freaked me out and amused me no end. All I can say is you probably howl better than any other artist I know.
hold fast to your dreams. To this space that has given you place to leave your thoughts and pick-up support along the way. Maybe thisis an opportuntity to deepen the relationship between you and the MIL. Sometimes, most times, it’s just so hardto see past the facade and SEE the person…not the mother, the wife, the teacher. Sometimes we fail to see ourselves. Where am I going with this…I’ve been up all night with a 2 year old with a ear infection.
Maybe she’ll respect your “privacy”, maybe you can tell her, well exactly what you wrote here.That it’s your place to work out, strain out what’s in your mind.
In the words of that wacky roomate in the movie Notting Hill..”tricky…very tricky”.
just don’t stop blogging ok!
Yes. I know my parents read my blog from time to time (and I told them about it) but they don’t censor or impede me. At Christmas I found something I’d written about heaven and my mom’s parents printed out beside her bed - and it meant a lot to me. And of course a lot of my church friends read it, which can be odd, but they love me and I love that they enjoy it. I’ve had more problems with coworkers than family or real life friends.
Don’t censor yourself, or leave us. This is a part of your life, and she can choose not to view it, or you could even ask her to do so. Hopefully she’ll understand that this your space, and respect that. She sounds like a wonderful, loving woman.
Ahhh… my nightmare. Well, not a nightmare quite but the thought of my family reading my blog does give me the willies. There’s a very real possibility that they could, as my flickr page is so intertwined with it… so yeah, I censor myself. I don’t say all that I want to and I don’t talk about things I wish I could.
But I don’t think you should do that, both for selfish reasons (I would miss your wonderful voice!
) and because it is something that is so important to you. I hope you can find another way of working it all out.
It’s hard. I started my blog more as a way to keep friends and family updated on my life and my kids. Now that I have really gotten the hang of blogging, there are times I’d love to post on certain topics, but I don’t, b/c of who I know is reading. I really wish I could have some anonymity and have toyed with starting over, but I think it’s just too late for that now. I do find myself censoring what I write based on different people who I know read it, and that’s sad, but I did it to myself. Sometimes I throw stuff out there, knowing it will be misinterpreted, but I can only censor so much. I hope you don’t stop blogging or change your writing style just b/c your mil may be reading. ((Hugs))
We blog because we want to be known. If we blog, we take the risk. You just have to decide what is best for you.
“because I am hoping that some shred of what I write matters in a new way to someone else.”
It does matter … for me and for the rest of us who visit. So selfishly I am saying - Don’t go!! Listen to that fiery little artist inside of you and keep doing what you are doing because a whole lot of us are inspired by your words and images about life and love. I can’t tell you how normal I feel now that I have started reading blogs held by strong women with babies - all these things that happen in my life are happening in all of your lives and it’s all normal!!
I don’t blog because my husband wouldn’t be able to handle it - he is VERY private. I would absolutely love the outlet, but I cannot do something that makes him uncomfortable. Obviously DH must know and must approve of your blog - what does he say about his mom knowing?
As someone who has as many masks as I do friends/family, so much that I wonder who the real “me” is, I am inspired by anyone with the courage to be themselves, celebrate themselves, laugh at themselves, love themselves, warts and all, regardless of who finds out that we are less (or more) than they think we are (or that we project ourselves to be).. I’ve wanted to start a blog for a long time, but which mask would I be? And talk about “endless context”, how do you even provide context when no one knows the real you, least of all your dreams and passions and fears and hopes, which is what I would write about. But I guess that’s been the problem all along — leaving my life to please others, chasing some shred of non-existent affirmation from my father, and losing myself in the process. So what do I have to lose? Nothing. What do I have to gain? My self. Sorry for leaving such a long comment, but I just decided to start that blog! I’ll let you folks know when I get it going.
-Tos
oh christina, you have written the words I have thought so many times. my husband told me he thinks my blogging persona is different from the one he knows but it is not, it is actually the me that I know, the friend I am to myself. we are so lucky that you have this outlet for your soul and that we get to be a part of it. I think your blog is wonderful you make the mothers in us cry when we read your newsletters to Bean and then you make us laugh with you, be mad at your husband and later like him again. I am not a writer of words I am more a visual person and painting is my outlet, so I admire your writings ever so more.
I wish too that your Mother in law gets to know you better in case she has found you here. it is the same you with some of the layers we use to protet ourselves peeled off. (see why I am NOT a writer? that’s an ugly metaphor!)
oh….what to do…..what to do….
i just don’t know…
but whatever you do….
don’t leave.
please.
gosh, that’s hard. i hope you come to a solution that feels good for you. much luck!
I look at it this way, when I blog I am putting something out there in the ether. Whether one person or one hundred people read it is of no consequence. It is about me saying what I need to say. So my advice to you is to blog for yourself, not for others. If they don’t get it then so be it.
I found your blog from someone else’s and I have been enjoying your musings.
I know, this is a tough one! Could you perhaps mention the whole frame of reference thing to MIL in hopes of helping her “get it” a little better? Maybe it would help if she understood the medium a little bit better; that you aren’t out there alone bearing your soul and simultaneously wrecking havoc on those near and dear!
I know my mother still wigs out when she gets suggestive spam in her e-mail box and holds me personally responsible since I set up her e-mail account: “Gasp–Holly who are you sharing my e-mail account with?!” She still thinks the whole thing operates somewhat magically and that I have reached wizardry status for mastering this type of technology!
Once your MIL is a little more savvy in understanding blogging in general it could help? Just a thought.
My gut says keep on truckin’ if it is near and dear to you and maybe don’t dish too much on her just in case (she does visit)
I hope, hope, hope you stay!
Warmly,
Holly
I hope that you definitley come up with the right answer for you. I enjoy your blog and will continue to read it until you take it down. You are very inspirational
I sooooo get what you just said. The irony of needing privacy and yet writing for a world of people to read.
Oh how I wish you were not at this crossroad. I fear that even if you stay your clear voice will be tempered by the awareness that your dear MIL is now within hurting range.
But OMG the tenderness with which you cherish your DH and DS! the stark unwavering honesty with which you ask yourself the questions that can make your life shimmer!
Oh God how I’ll miss your struggle for clarity. What hope is there that I will learn to search the depths of my own desires (at 51) without the inspiration of your determined excavation of the beauty of your life?
Selfish?! You bet your boots!
You are an amazing young woman and I do wish you comfort and joy throughout your searching, reaching, cup-runneth-over LIFE.
The greatest tragedy of all would be if the fear of what might happen were to stiffle your beautiful voice. That fear, I think, is life’s cruelest ultimate censor.
You have such a gift for putting into words what so many of us feel but are unable to express (or at least are unable to do so with such clarity and beauty as you do). I cannot tell you the number of times I have read something on your blog that has resonnated so vibrantly with me that it has helped me figure out “the next step” or learn something keenly important.
To silence that voice would be a tremendous loss… (that is the selfish part of me talking). More importantly, I think that it would be allowing one person to have the ultimate power over another — the power to silence the expression of another’s thoughts and feelings. The thought of that possibly happening makes me very sad.
My entire family had found my blog, and it’s been both good and bad. I finally just threw my hands up about it and decided to get comfortable with being exposed in that way. My boyfriend then set about getting his mother to read it, and after adamantly refusing for six months (she thinks its a creepy Myspace sort of thing where pedophiles go to lurk) she finally popped in on the day that I wrote about a pregnancy scare and actually used the phrase “Tab A went into Slot B” to describe, well, you know. Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day for her to join the party and definitely not indicative of the types of things I regularly share online.
A few deep breaths later, though, and I figure what the hell. It’s better that I put my effort into getting comfortable with it than trying to find a way to block out my real-life connections.
(Found you through my stats today and am glad I did!)
Christina, I really struggle with this same issue. My whole family reads my blog and rather than posting comments, they’ll write me personal emails in response to my posts or they’ll mention something on the phone. Sometimes I worry that what I’m writing is too personal and I should stop, but then I think about all the great friendships I’ve made, all the amazing women I’ve met and I just can’t imagine not at least trying to be a part of that.
Christina, I am at a loss for words now because I read some of the comments above, and what could I possibly say that hasn’t already been said? You have such an amazing talent, and your writing, your open honesty, is so inspiring and moving. I do hope that you find a way to continue to use this blog as your outlet. You would surely be missed otherwise.
you are an inspiration. i am weeks late for lurkers’ week. i am truly indebted. i am so proud of you! you have been blessed. you have taken what you were given and didn’t not stop there…….steps and strides and leaps beyond. i bet your mother is so proud too. never stop expressing your truth as the moment necessitates. i am not a mother. i am not a wife. i am a sister, brother, daughter, son, friend, adopted aunt and most significantly a human being….i am forwarding this link (which i found by googling “top blogs” - by the way - and sifting) to everyone I know. no doubt your words are powerful. you speak of the HUMAN struggle. no doubt spouses and children make us lucky and better. no doubt, your gifts and experiences factor in. who says mother and wifehood will ever negate the desire for MORE travels and NEW experiences? don’t listen to the voice that say “can’t…shoudn’t…” seeking minds aren’t born to settle, we are born to SOAR! mother and wife means whatever you make it mean. write us the traveloge of your LIFE and never look back. forge the path. WE are here, cheering you on! YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED. your mother-in-law will thank you later!
I think *us* artist types are simultaneously hard and soft. We desperately need acceptance (of us and our art, in whatever form it takes) and admiration from those we dare to bare our souls to, yet at the same time will not change who we are even if we don’t get that approval. I get this feeling in what you write. You feel vulnerable for those who know you on a personal level to see this ‘naked’ view of you, yet at the same time the thought of changing it or altering it in any way is akin to the death of a very precious part of you. How well I know this feeling. I do like what Sara (comment #6) had to say. I’d much rather face things than run away. I believe when you face something honestly and openly, it gives the opportunity for something healthy and unexpectedly beautiful to spring out. Here’s to your health!
(By the way, I’m coming in from Brooklyn Park, MN)
christina-
i had the same feelings when my mil found out i had a blog and wanted to know where to find it because she wanted to read all about me. my writings. my gripes. she asked for it 5 months ago. i have yet to give her the address…i have so much going on inside this head…and when i write about that, the last person i want reading the inner, sometimes more than quirky musings, is my mil. i completely agree with your perspective. and i don’t think her reading it will allow her to gain more perspective in relating to you. on the contrary. (i am a firm believer that no matter how wonderful of a relationship you have with your mil (mine is very much like yours…) she is ultimately looking out for the best interests of her son.) and being that my topography is an honest portrayal of your life…that means there will be times she will be hurt. offended. miffed. sad. angry. and all because you write of your husband. your son. you. your words are touching. painful. sincere. poignant. brutal. passionate. knowing mil reads this (if she has indeed found it)turns your vast ocean of sincerety into a murky lake. still being fed by a fresh stream…but with little release beyond that. you know???
beyond that, i also sent a comment about 5 times in response to your jinxing of bean’s sleep. of course, i kept getting an error page. so. i apologize. only after i sent it that many times, did i catch up with the newer posts and the comment about the comments!
keep up the fabulous work! reading my topography reassures me that “i’m not the only one!”
I stumbled across your blog and you have inspired me to be a better writer (and runner) and to be true to myself in the writing og my blog. I recently started blogging and I have found myself off course…not writing what was in my heart but rather writing factual info of my life. Thank you for your inspiration.
This comment is months after the fact, but i just came upon your blog and read this post. The topic is something that I’ve been intriuged with since I first began blogging, just over a year ago and have I’ve blogged about it myself…how much do we reveal online and how transparent are we willing to be? It’s difficult to put ourselves out there in a fully transparent way because everyone will know then who we really are…sticky and difficult at first but I think (for myself), worth it in the long run. Good question to raise and obviously others appreciated the discussion too.
I get it. I totally get what you are saying. I started a blog of my own, and have only provided the address to two other people. I don’t want anyone else in my life to find me. I too enjoy harboring the delusion that what I write is private. Yet it has the power to touch others.
I also really respect the way you embrace your authentic feelings. Risk writing about how you feel about your MIL, knowing that she could read what you write. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing!