Self portrait challenge: black & white # 1
Posted on | February 8, 2007 |
Polarity.
Wine. Water.
Whimsy. Substance.
Chaotic. Rhythm.
Impulse. Logic.
The past few weeks have gone by with fewer posts than usual, and it’s because I’m never home and always busy and I feel like I haven’t hit the ground and I’m already running. But. There isn’t anything more busy about my life than previously. It’s just I’m trying to handle it differently. For one, I’m going to bed earlier, and waking up before the sun to spend an hour writing for real in my studio, with my feet tucked up under me and the cat purring around my chair legs.
I’m trying to undertake a gradual, though massive shift in priorities; really committing to work towards the things I know I want, but haven’t gotten yet: published work, an MFA, more order in my life. I’m a chronic forgetter of small things and not so small things: phone dates, emails, meetings. I can’t plan a week’s worth of menus to save my life. The refrigerator always lacks at least on essential item. Laundry is always piled in my bedroom, not clean.
Because I’m an Aquarius and an artist, an idealist and a creator, I’m struck with wanderlust and whimsy and find it miserably difficult to put things into the tidy square boxes on a calendar, or plan ahead. I’d like to, though. Because I know everything in my small world would run more smoothly.
So I’ve been forcing myself to start somewhere, and that somewhere is painfully, less blogging and more real reading. Less posting, and more time spent revising the half finished application pieces I’m still feeling delusionally semi-optimistic about. I pretty sure my life will always contain a bit of this struggle between necessity and wonderment, between substance and desire.
It’s hard for me to buckle down, but I miss my athletes’ body and my reader’s mind. I miss talking about god, and reading about spiritual practice. I miss devouring books the way I used to in college. And yes, I have excuses now that are legitimate, but if I want to ever get to anywhere further than here, I have to start here, now. So I am. Small step, by smaller step. But still, I’m starting. Do you have any polarities you struggle with? If so, what are they, and how do you find balance?
More black & white self portraits here.
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13 Responses to “Self portrait challenge: black & white # 1”
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February 8th, 2007 @ 12:12 am
gorgeous
February 8th, 2007 @ 11:11 pm
the polarities i struggle with are the same and totally different. i imagine most creative people suffer a similar, if not the same, struggle: when life (even the things we really like and need to do) seem to get in the way of creative pursuits….we must make sacrifices - it’s part of the journey. especially if what you want is a FULL life. you are on the right track. remember: life is long. life is so short! setting attainable goals and carving out time is a first, good and positive step. hey, a once a week blog post is nothing to sniff at. now, to follow my own advice!
February 8th, 2007 @ 11:57 pm
I am struggling with the balance between Mama and Me. Of course there is so much of me that is Mama but I am so much more and I want my daughter to see that. The difficulty comes when the dishes need done, laundry and nap time, meals and play time and my mind is on a collage sitting unfinished or a piece of writing waiting to be edited. How to know when to put aside the typical parent chores and take time to focus on art, preferably when I’m not exhausted at the end of a day. I’m working on that balance thing and as my daughter gets older it gets easier to work it into the day but it is such a conscious choice that there are days it falls aside.
February 9th, 2007 @ 8:59 am
Fortunately, I’ve never had much ambition. And even less self discipline. I feel guilty when I spend more time on the computer (or in front of the TV) when my house is messy (girl, I’m sure I could match you in laundry piles) or when there’s work to be done - which is one reason why I love school and miss it, and hope to go back one day. I love the built in goals and tests and rhythms.
Of course, with the wondrous pregnancy hormones, I’m more able to focus and get down to business when it’s time - like the time I cleaned out my whole closet, without any help. First time in my life. I wish I could keep these hormones forever, they are full of magic. Right now I feel like I am supposed to make my nest and be cozy, filling my mind up of good story and good theology (Len Sweet, Donald Miller) and swim in a great sea of love.
You are doing what you need to do, right now, and we completely understand. Oh, for the wonder that you’re creating - one day I will have a shelf of your work and be utterly proud for you, grateful to know you in this small way. I can’t imagine a MFA program that wouldn’t stand up and cheer for all your talent you would bring them - I just hope you choose someone who will respect your immense artistic talents, your gifts so strong and true.
February 9th, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
bravo to you for asking yourself what you need in order to pursure the desires of your heart and then taking those necessary steps!
February 9th, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
A very familiar struggle. Even if it means less of you for us, I think it’s more important to have more of you for yourself.
February 9th, 2007 @ 1:43 pm
You are such an inspiration. Your willingness to jump in an ACT on your desires is just the catalyst I need today. My biggest polar struggle right now seem to be rooted in finding the balance between rest/recovery (from old career/work burnout) and initiation/creation (from a new career/business I am starting). My body and my soul feel like they need me to be gentle to them… and yet my mind keeps racing around thinking about all of the things I need to do to get my new business up and running. And so it goes…
Wishing you all the goodness that this life has to offer…
February 9th, 2007 @ 1:44 pm
You are such an inspiration. Your willingness to jump in an ACT on your desires is just the catalyst I need today. My biggest polar struggle right now seem to be rooted in finding the balance between rest/recovery (from old career/work burnout) and initiation/creation (from a new career/business I am starting). My body and my soul feel like they need me to be gentle to them… and yet my mind keeps racing around thinking about all of the things I need to do to get my new business up and running. And so it goes…
Wishing you all the goodness that this life has to offer…
February 9th, 2007 @ 2:03 pm
I definitely struggle with self-discipline. I can waste an entire day doing nothing productive. I struggle with balancing my responsibilities towards my kids and my household with my goof-off computer time. Too often the computer wins. And here I sit, lol!
February 9th, 2007 @ 4:28 pm
I seem to struggle with the whole “mommy/housewife” thang. I have always been a worker and college student (yes, I am almost 33 and still trying to get my college ed) - and really good at it!! I always seem to get raises and promotions or on the dean’s list for my good grades. I do very well in positions with feedback … but this whole SAHM thing has been a lot to get used to because there is always something to clean, launder, vacuum, etc … there is always two boys (my loving husband and son) who need something. And I love being there for them, but I also NEED me time and I NEED projects that I can concentrate on for more than 5 minutes at a time and I NEED someone to say “good job.”
So after much discussion I have finally convinced my husband that Porter will benefit from a morning school program 2 days a week - which will allow me to move my evening lab job to the morning for those two days and allow for more free time in the eve. phew. that was a long explanation!
I think you have the right idea though. To have all we want as mommies and wives, I think we need to move things around to make it work - like you working on your writings in the morning. good luck with it all, and as usual, thank you for sharing your struggles.
February 9th, 2007 @ 5:04 pm
It’s always been so interesting to me to see how others balance everything that tugs at them. I’m a little ahead of you lucky young women that have younger, children as my boys are now in college. I always worked outside the home, so given that, I tried to place my priorities as Family, Me, and Work, in that order. I reasoned that there will always be more time for me and for work. But those babies are only mine for such a short amount of time. My career is still there, even though it was last in my line of priorities. Am I the CEO? Nope, and it doesn’t make a bit of difference. Most of all…enjoy the struggle to find balance — it will be over all too soon!
February 9th, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
I, too, struggle with self-dicipline. So often a day just seems to slip through my fingers, with nothing done I desperately wanted to accomplish. I am just a university student right now, and too often find myself heavy-hearted, thinking of the things I want to do, and need to do, for university and myself, but somehow so often just don’t manage to do. Listening to my inner self, I think it has a lot to do with expecting too much of myself. Or rather, wanting to achieve too much - without actually starting and getting there. It makes me feel sad and sick, somehow, as very often I just don’t understand myself - understand why I can’t just do something. Your post is so inspiring and just like so many times before, it seems to speak right to and from my heart. So - I’ll turn off the computer now and stop thinking about doing - but simply move.
A star for you,
*johanna*
February 14th, 2007 @ 8:58 pm
Polarity Number One (in a list of three). Getting up from one stationary, well known, comfortable job and leaping blindfolded into another completely unknown arena chopsticked with ladders - ladder of learning curves, ladder of selves, ladder of starting again.. It beckons keenly, bemoans incessantly and, in quieter moments, wails silently to a heart that has buried its head in the shifting sands of lost direction.
(And I swear I won’t mention a thing about that wayward apostrophe jumping a spot and dangling mischievously over the other side of that athlete) >:)