Hopscotch
Posted on | February 11, 2007 |
The forecast: more icy air, and I’m starting to feel antsy with winter. But today pure sunshine reflecting off the snow and spilling onto the hot pink flowers on the windowsill. It was weekend of long naps; of using a winch to get the truck out of a snowbank; of cheap red wine and good friends with toddlers running pell-mell; of a handful of quiet moments with a magazine on the couch, coffee cup in hand, its sweet fragrance rising up with the steam.
Also, it was a weekend of roller coaster emotions. In one instance I’m sure we’re in it for the long haul: we’re standing together in the sunlight in the kitchen, arms around each other, kissing, while our kid eats kiwi circles; and then in another instance we’re off kilter, unintended words tumbling like the triangular blocks at the top of the tower that make the whole castle fall, a geometric mess of shapes onto the floor.
Right now for us there is no room for error, no space for careless words, for passive teasing, for jagged edges. It’s like we’re always at square one, tossing the rock, jumping forward, trying not to land on the chalked lines, but doing so anyway. Remember that game? I used to play it for hours in the school yard. Now the stakes are high. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be better off just friends and co-parents, it would be easier, maybe. Other times I can hardly fathom how much I love, or how perfectly my body fits against his, heart to heart in an embrace.
I really want to know, what is the bedrock that holds you together with the one you love? What connects you? What make you certain?
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40 Responses to “Hopscotch”
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February 11th, 2007 @ 10:14 pm
I don’t have any answers. But I can tell you I love you, you magical woman. Winter’s tough. It pushes us all to the breaking point. Things soften up in Spring– hope things soften for you sooner than that.
February 11th, 2007 @ 10:36 pm
February sucks. Every year this time I am itching for spring and sweltering with cabin fever.
The one thing: he’s my best friend. And the faith that when it’s bad, if we hang in there, it will get better. Ride it out.
February 11th, 2007 @ 11:03 pm
There is no secret to it. Just hard work. We are celebrating our 7 year anniversary in March and I truly believe it is deciding to love that keeps you in it for the long run.
February 12th, 2007 @ 2:43 am
Through all the toughest times, it is our COMMITMENT to each other that holds us together. Hang on to it.
February 12th, 2007 @ 5:26 am
i think in many ways it is to stop looking for certainty. i haven’t got my head all the way around that one yet, but i think you can’t be certain. would it be easier to be friends and co-parents? -sometimes yes- sometimes no-
i am coming to realize that i can’t be certain. i think for me the challenge is to accept that- to know that i won’t know for certain… then slowly and carefully accept the beauty that is my relationship with my husband… sometimes we are lovers… and other times just friends- there may be times when we are merely roomates bumbing into one another… it lies in accepting and appreciating the flux- seeing the beauty in it and for me realizing that i can’t really be certain and that is ok.
it is a shifting of perspective- we expect so much of what we think a relationship should be… i think we would be better off celebrating what it is. when you look at it, is it not wonderful that you can be all these things with your husband- is that not beautiful and wonderful?
February 12th, 2007 @ 7:53 am
i echo what others have said here…
it is not always easy
and sometimes it is picking your battles
and sometimes it is biting your tongue
and sometimes its even being the one
to say sorry first…
it has been 12 years of living together/being married for my husband and i…most people
thought we wouldn’t last a month.
and winter is hard.
February 12th, 2007 @ 8:45 am
Yes, winter is hard. There is something in me that wants to leave each winter. And there are rough patches throughout the year.
But… I know that we can create a life together that would be better than a life apart, and I know that he is a good person - worth loving, worth staying, worth trying to work things out.
February 12th, 2007 @ 9:17 am
This is my third marriage and upteenth relationship. We’ve been together 16 years married for 15. We have weathered a blended family (mine, and then ours). We have weathered neglect and an affair. And what I’ve learned through all of that? God needs to be in the mix for one and that we always come out stronger on the other side. We are just as much in love today as we were at the beginning. It wasn’t always that way. But, as someone else said, our committment has kept us together.
February 12th, 2007 @ 10:18 am
My two cents is like others that have been left here already, but sometimes it helps know there are people everywhere who also stand, our faces looking thru a long, white winter to see, faintly, the hope of spring. Such as with marriage. after 12 years of union, i can offer you what i feel for sure: Like the seasons, marriage cycles. cold, distant times that seem to go on far too long are followed by a warming and then full sun again. it is the cold that makes us appreciate the heat. the warmth of “for certain”. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband; I believe He has blessed you too. Dig in, hold on to the man you love, and look upward for the sun. The cold will pass. The heat will return.
It will.
February 12th, 2007 @ 10:59 am
Oh Christina, I think it’s the time of the year. Spring is just a few months away, but I’m so ready for winter to be over and done with. It makes everything more dramatic, more cold — hang in there. If you’re anything like me, my mood is really affected once the sun comes out and I can be outside without so many layers on. You and DH are so wonderful together. Concentrate on the postitives.
February 12th, 2007 @ 11:29 am
With 4 kids and almost 14 years of mariage behing us life has been very chaotic. For us when we got married we closed the door to the ” What if” we double bolted that door and decided to make it work keeping our commitement to each other and to God has not been optional no matter how hard it got. And it has been so much more than a commitement but a love that is growing by the minute. We can now recognize our need to get away from the kids when we think we can’t take one more minute together, what we really need is one week of just US forgetting about all the other things that pull us apart, and kids take sooooo much out of you. We have found that without those planned evenings or week-end getaway, we become a burden to each other and we don’t even know how to speak each others language anymore. It has taken lots of getting use to for me who is so spontaneous to think of being in his day timer
but it has worked don’t give up.
February 12th, 2007 @ 11:29 am
Love and Marriage…definately one of the true mysteries in life.What makes one successful & another unsuccessful?I truly do not know.All I know is that a marriage begins w/ a commitment.I truly think it is remembering that commitment and why you made it.Having children and a husband/relationship is really tough.Children add a whole other layer,stress,exhaustion,etc.There have been so many times when I have thought divorce was the only solution.But I remember that I love this man and we chose each other and this life together.A healthy marriage takes work.Lots of talking,listening and remembering to love.What about couples counselling?I am a huge believer in getting that help when you need it.It is better to take a preventative step now.Take care and spring is on the way.A season of new possibilities:)
Stacey
February 12th, 2007 @ 12:39 pm
Like others said, I think it’s a choice we make, rather than a certainty we come to, and that, of course, is much harder than the absolute knowing we long for. Also, it’s a combination of passionate force of will, and a passive horror at the thought of starting again with someone else. It’s knowing that neither the easy times or the difficult times give us warning. And, like most other things in life, it’s about nurturing and encouraging what works, and minimizing the damage when things inevitably don’t. Good luck, Christina. One thing I know with certainty is that you two will pull through together.
February 12th, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
Faith, hope, trust, humility, patience, forgiveness… Just deciding to be together. We have made a family together, three beautiful girls that are a a combination of him & me. I know that our family needs both of us. For the kids is not the only reason, but maybe it’s one of the most unselfish reasons. But for the kids does not mean we stay together no matter how bad it gets, it means we work every day to make it better, our girls need a loving home, with a mom & dad, they need to learn how men should treat women, how marriage & family are beautiful things, not the end of your life & freedom as the world so often portrays. My girls need my husband & me to be in love, that is certain, & that is one reason why we work on it. But, like I said, not the only one, or the main reason. I think the best reason is how I feel, how he feels & how we feel when things are really really good. That’s worth working through the hard times for. It’s worth being humble & forgiving even when I don’t want to be & I think it’s his turn. When we are close - well, you know, it’s good, it feels like it’s meant to be. So we enjoy those moments & remember them & work to get back there when we slip away from each other. It’s work, it’s just deciding to make it work, to be happy, to be in love, to be a family. & it’s faith. Faith in him & in us, faith in my love for him & his love for me. We can’t ever be really certain, but we can decide to have faith in our love anyway. My whole heart is out there. It is in his power to treasure or trample it. I have faith that he’ll treasure it. & he has that same faith in me. I could break his heart too, because he has given in to me, but he believes I’ll love him, forever. & we just keep going on like that. There’s something so magical about being so vulnerable & safe at the same time.
I wish I could write it more eloquently…
Emily (7 years, 3 kids)
February 12th, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
I know I could be out there on my own and be happy. This might sound strange, but it makes being in love so easy, somehow. What connects us .. is knowing we can go on, together. That there is a future to this loving now. A white page before us, but so many possibilities to grow together … so many possible stories to write, so many adventures I can imagine. I am here, now, living the moment, but I know there is a chance for another one to follow.
To put it in words I sucked in deeply, and will never forget …
His hand fits the curve of my hand
and his mind fits the curve of my mind.
February 12th, 2007 @ 2:40 pm
(nearly 3 years *smile* I’m just 23 …)
February 12th, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
mmmmm…oh how i know exactly what you mean…
February 12th, 2007 @ 2:57 pm
We have been going through something similar … not able to say anything to eachother without the other one thinking that it was meant to be hurtful, or whatever … complete oversensitivity lately.
At these times I call my very good friend who is married to my husband’s best friend and say, “sometimes I think it would be easier to be on my own in a little apartment with just my son and no other men around!” and she agrees. Then we realize that the reason we are with these guys is because the days that are good are really good and neither of us can imagine our lives without them. Just like you said - “we’re in it for the long haul” - we just have to remember to keep our eyes on the prize - sitting in a rocking chair on my front porch next to this sweet man when I am 80 (god willing). ((hug))
February 12th, 2007 @ 3:29 pm
What I know for sure is that I love this man, and have for so long. I still have moments where I feel utterly amazed that we got through all the young mucky stuff, that we’re together, that we have a home and are making our family. Of course he can drive me crazy, and we don’t agree on everything, and we’re about to embark on all the new challenges that a kid brings to a marriage. Definitely there are days where we are more good friends than passionate lovers - and that’s really okay by me. I guess it does come down to, like all the others have said before, the commitment to each other. To remove other options from the table. I am loving everyone’s responses - so full of hope and commitment and the fact that a relationship is work.
I feel sure that your love is strong, and perhaps the winter has taken its toll. And I have so much love for you and your family. I was just thinking how it’s almost Bean’s birthday - hooray!
February 12th, 2007 @ 5:15 pm
Winter is tough. Marriage is like a rollercoaster - up and down, can’t (or won’t) get off, and so worth the ride.
After a 25 year marriage that became unbearable, I divorced and said I would never do it again. Didn’t even date for 3 years. A co-worker introduced me to her brother(who had also been through much of the same). We dated for 2-1/2 years and then married.
That marriage was sooo different because we accepted and loved each other for who were not for some idea of who we each were. We were committed to each other for forever, no ifs, ands, or buts. We had raised our families so didn’t have the children under foot to worry about, but other things take that place. He died before our 4th anniversary.
What held us together was a choice, a committment, a belief that God had brought us together, an ability to not take ourselves too seriously, working and playing together (I learned to fish, he learned to appreciate my scrapbooking), and a love that wove through our lives together.
It’s a balance of knowing when to work on it and when to let go. I’ve done both.
I think my daughter said it all, “I’m so grateful you married *W* because I got to see what a marriage is supposed to be.”
If it’s worth keeping, it’s worth working on. And I think you know.
February 12th, 2007 @ 9:28 pm
My heart goes out to you. Winter is sucky, isn’t it?
I have been married for only 2 1/2 years myself..so I am no veteran…but oh how I have enjoyed the words I have read here in the comments. It is, indeed, the cold that makes us appreciate the warmth. I agree with the author who said, “Dig in.”
2 are better than one. I don’t know what your religion is…but I believe that marriage should be like a triangle..God at the top and you and DH on each corner. The closer you get to Him, the closer to each other you will be.
Hold on for the warmth…keep writing your story.
February 12th, 2007 @ 9:57 pm
Marriage is definately a DAILY work in progress. Its not an easy one either. I dont think you can ever sit back and say, ok, we are here where we want to be. I am turning 36 this May, and I have been married to my husband for 20 years this upcoming December. ALL of those years have been years of growth and change.
When things get rough, I always think to myself, how life would be without him in it, even though at that exact moment I could be so angry at him. But then that feeling I get, when I think about that final result, him not with me, day in and day out, that is all I need to reassure myself that what I am doing is… right. You will know Christina. You both seem so perfect for eachother. Hang in there. You will also just, know.
February 12th, 2007 @ 10:25 pm
I also once thought my husband and I would be better off just friends and co-parents. It took us six months to realize the separation was too painful and definitely didn’t make things easier.
I am only certain of this…when you change the foundation of a relationship you trade one set of problems for a new set.
I deeply appreciate the part of yourself that you share.
February 13th, 2007 @ 12:05 am
I really relate to this post–marriage is such a difficult journey, sometimes, especially after a child. What keeps us together? At this point–the decision to stay together. That committment. And the faith that our foundation is strong enough to stand firm, even when things feel as wispy and uncertain as they are right now. I remind myself that everything is constantly in flux, and try to find the worthiness of THIS moment, without comparing it to our past, or projecting it into our future.
It is very difficult sometimes. Know that your beautiful writing is a balm for those of us who are in the same boat.
February 13th, 2007 @ 12:08 am
Is he kind?
Do you like the way he smells?
Is he gentle?
Do you enjoy kissing him?
Is he a good father?
Is he a man of integrity?
Do you trust him?
Does he have a sense of humor?
Is he loving?
Does he honor you?
Is he kind to strangers?
Does he please you in bed?
Does he listen with care?
Does he respond with truth?
Does he care about your happiness?
Does he love life?
Does he honor his commitments?
Is he respectful?
Is he intelligent?
Does he spend money wisely?
Is he generous with his time? His money? His love?
Is he adventurous?
Does he interest you?
Do you trust him?
Do you enjoy waking up beside him?
Can you imagine life without him?
February 13th, 2007 @ 12:32 am
Perseverance, work, integrity, biting tongues, sacrifices and being laid back about most of what happens in life is how we have managed to survive 11 years of marriage and 12 years of being together. Of course showing appreciation and affection when you aren’t really in the mood to show it. These are the things that keep you married.
February 13th, 2007 @ 12:47 am
Sheer stubborn will tempered with love and seasoned with passion. It ebbs and flows, but it’s always there. 16 years, two kids, infinite promise, but there are still days when I think, “Maybe not?”
February 13th, 2007 @ 9:03 am
you sound like you love him! i read your words and hear love. marriage is difficult, being with one person is difficult, life is difficult. but you have a son, a life and you should try as hard as can be to make it work…for your little bean.
i assure you, it will never be easy. and not by yourself or with another man. this is it! i know, for me too, it is hard to believe but this is what it is all about.
sure you dream of travel and far away places and maybe no responsibilities but that isn’t reality and you now have a child and that almost makes it impossible if you want to raise him with stability.
i have been on every side of the fence and no matter how hard, try to make your marriage and your family life work. it is important stuff and ever so trying on your soul!
good luck to you…
February 13th, 2007 @ 9:04 am
I don’t remember making a conscious decision, but not thinking about whether or not I am certain helps. Also, when I’m frustrated, I try to stop and think about what I could change to make things better (seems like you’re already doing this). If that still doesn’t work, then I start a conversation about what is bothering me. I’m lucky to have a husband who is very good about breaking down problems and finding solutions. Having a child, and therefore being sleep- and personal time and space-deprived, definitely makes both of us more snippy. I just try to remember that we’re snippy because we’re tired, and not because something is fundamentally wrong. My husband and I are not religious, but we have made the phrase “Life is Art” our guiding principle; whenever we feel we are pressing up against an obstacle, we try to think of more and more creative solutions until we find something that works. Is there a guiding principle that you and DH can agree upon and that can get you in the mood to work together? I sincerely hope that you are able to stay together.
February 13th, 2007 @ 11:24 am
I agree with summer and lizardek (and perhaps others; I didn’t read any further in the comments). I think it comes down to sheer commitment, the decision to keep loving, the choice to appreciate the positive and ignore the negative. Sometimes it is really hard. Sometimes it just plain sucks. But it’s worth it, I think.
In an age where divorce is so common, I want to be one of the ones that make it, for my kids, but also for us. I really think it comes down to sheer willpower.
I hope you find your way through this together. (hug)
February 13th, 2007 @ 2:12 pm
Have you heard of a husband/wife musicians “Over the Rhine”?
Listen to the album “Drunkard’s Prayer.”
It directly speaks to marriage and its ups and downs with more beauty and honesty than I’ve ever heard before.
I wholeheartedly agree with Feb. sentiments…blah!
February 13th, 2007 @ 5:11 pm
Well, you have so much great advice already, I don’t really think you *need* mine (stranger that I am), but I thought I throw in with the others. I definitely think the power of a marriage is the realization that it’s all about what you GIVE to it … and that you HAVE to give selflessly with expecting anything back. That is SO hard sometimes. But when you look backwards, start focusing on what you GET, you turn around and start the counter-clockwise spin you never would want. I loved Samana’s list of questions too. Focusing on what I LOVE about my husband has brought so many positive things in our marriage. Sometimes you need to make a point of just thinking about it. If you don’t, it’s far too easy to get hung up what you don’t understand, what’s driving you up the wall. Also God. I can’t love him like I need to on my own. God shows me how.
February 13th, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
No one will ever love your child like he does. That has been the only thing that keeps me here sometimes. Knowing that no man I will ever be with will love our children like their father does. Plus, he’s a great dad. He’s a rock, so committed to me even when I’m not. He’s held me over the toilet when I was sick, he’s watched me give birth, he’s cried with our children…we’ve had our share of hard times, but being vulnerable with eachother and adding a sense of humor helps. He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine living without him.
February 13th, 2007 @ 6:36 pm
No certainty here.There may be others out there who may fit the equation. So what? When was time for a choice I went for him, I knew that the choices were many, but I still chose him because of his soul, because of my soul with his. That was the easy part. As the years go by and perfection wears out, then there is the realization that perfection is just an abstract.I had to work hard to accept it. I wanted perfection. Growing up (some would say growing older) I have learned to embrace the lack of perfection, the edges of imperfection. And that is OK, that is my key.
February 13th, 2007 @ 6:43 pm
For me it is letting go of the idea that there IS certainty, and rather embracing the here and now. I think sometimes it is the pressure of forever that makes us break down in the face of the present. There certainly are other paths your life could take, and many of them could be magical and wonderful as well, but right now you have THIS LIFE.
Well, that’s what I remind myself of daily, anyway.
February 13th, 2007 @ 7:29 pm
For me, it is knowing and embracing what we have built together — our home, our family, our life. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and there has been much struggle and turmoil and change during that time. But also tremendous love and joy and so much happiness and laughter. We were young when we met and thankfully as we have aged, we have grown together and not apart.
Parenting young children (and parenting in the way we have chosen to parent) is all-consuming and has taken a toll on our marriage. But our life is also richer and deeper because of the littles. We are discovering things about each other (some lovely and others not) all over again as we grapple with being parents as well as grapple with our own childhoods. We don’t have enough time for each other. We’re tired. We probably take each other for granted far too much.
But we love each other. Adore each other. And love our life together. Recently we talked to each other about not wanting to arrive 10 years from now and feel like we’ve missed each other. We want to be here now. Together.
And there are ways to weave in the adventure now. We lived abroad and traveled a lot before our babes. We’re both educators and artists so we don’t have a lot of material riches and we want our children to feel that same passion for adventure and new experiences. We’re hoping to travel to China for a month this summer. One of us will get a job over there while the other cares for the babes. We’ll do it as cheaply as we can. We’ll make it happen.
I’m not someone who finds life easy. I’m passionate, sensitive, emotional, intense. I’ll never find marriage easy. It isn’t in my nature. And I know that my husband is deeply in love with that part of me. And I, in turn, love him deeply for embracing that part of me.
I’ve rambled far too long here. Best wishes as you navigate these challenges. I think living and talking through the challenges are when you discover the deepest love.
February 14th, 2007 @ 12:45 am
I’m always certain when we laugh. … we’ve only been married just over a year .. but that’s plenty long enough to know he annoys me, and to think about all the things I could do in my life if I were single … But there’s something about his sense of humor. I know there isn’t anyone else who could make up a song about my name that would touch my heart. Or that I could make laugh by saying a goofy word over and over. It sounds like not-so-ordinary stuff when I write it out, but I think that’s why it’s so solid.
February 14th, 2007 @ 6:46 am
I try and imagine a life without him and I can’t
February 15th, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
Summer said it first, way up there near the top. I have been married for almost 14 years. We have three kids now, and the 4 yr old twins we were surprised with really did challenge all aspects of our marriage. But, we decided to love each other. And making that decision and sticking to it, no matter what, has really been the stuff that holds it all together. Hang in there, like everyone said before me, it will pass. It’s just another phase in life.
March 14th, 2007 @ 5:48 am
[…] again, laughing, dreaming, taking care of ourselves. It wasn’t until your comments from this post that I realized maybe, really, the winter was affecting us. And since then, the longer da […]