Sickie nuggles

I took a wicked spinning class last night. My first, ever. It was fun, and invigorating (if an hour of standing while sprinting while gasping for air can be called invigorating.) But it was totally the wrong thing to have done yesterday in particular because I felt kind of off and didn’t listen to […]

Seeking

Trying to find beauty tonight, and striving to ask the right questions of the universe, but feeling shaky about it all. Trying to put the right words out there, the right prayers, the right hopes, so that joy floods into my life and makes me full. Some days this is easier to do than others. […]

Finding the beat

Last week I was like a satellite thrown out of orbit, twirling in crazy loops from all the scrambled sleep, and the on-edge waiting. I let myself slip haphazardly out of my routine of writing mornings, first thing while the house is still sighing in its sleep.
I’d hear the alarm, and peer at it […]

Saturday list

* Croissants, fresh strawberries, vanilla yogurt, lattes.
* A trip to the store for rain boots.
* Grocery shopping (”Bean drive OWN CAR,” he says, earnestly. And so we push around those awful, cumbersome, rediculous plastic car/carts. He loves every minute.)
* Teething, and a struggle to go to sleep at nap time. Finally we went for […]

More up down

So I’m going with the co-sleeping-ish arrangement for now. Which is what we’ve been doing, and it works fine except for when he’s ansy and can’t lie still and insists on holding my cheek pressed against his cheek, and howling “Mama TURN OVER” when I roll the other way. But. So. Well. We’ll keep trying […]

The good & the not so much

Feeling tiredness crowd me like breathy people on a commuter train, I write a few scattered sentences and prepare for bed. The house is humming: the heat turning on, DH playing guitar, the low moan of the wind pulling around the northern corner. I feel snug tonight. Impatient still, with no answer yet, but content […]

Waiting

Feeling the tight stomached ache of waiting, now. For spring, for the fat envelope, for several nights of sleep stacked up against each other like a solid cord of wood.
I finished The Year Of Magical Thinking yesterday, and all day today I keep going back to it in my mind. So many of her […]

25 months

Snow is falling again, though last week the grass started to show, barely green, in muddy patches in the yard. The temperatures were in the fifties and the creek running through the meadow down our road, was swollen with snowmelt, its blue-black water spreading out across the snowy expanse of buried grass like a bruise. […]

Morning blur

The morning is smudged with rainy dark. Gradually the snow melts, an the temperatures climb. Along the roads, silver buckets hang from maple trees now. My fingers move slowly this morning, making up sleep debt always takes a few nights. My body still feels somehow separate, as though I’m above it slightly, directing it as […]

Sleep, interrupted.

Every hour. Every single hour, he woke up (stomach ache? teething? All he kept saying was, “Hug! Want a hug!”) Does the word derailed have meaning for you? Because that’s how I feel this morning. Or like all of my cells are zinging, vibrating at some near out of body frequency, my pulse quick from […]