Posted on | July 24, 2007 |
I�ve been trying to find equilibrium these past few days: feeling at once propelled by an awful sense of guilt to get things done, and lulled by the happy-go-lucky whimsy of summer. Moments of sheer delight stacked back to back against the metallic shards of self contempt. I’m not good at this.
All month I’ve been feeling the pressure of lists of things I should be doing: making dentist appointments; editing the final draft of a piece and sending it off; finishing the half dozen books I’ve started this month; running more. Then, when another blue-skied summer day passes and I’ve done nothing from the lists, surliness spreads across the surface of my mood like an oil slick. At night I toss in bed, piecing together bits of plot for stories I can�t bring myself to write; then I wake exhausted. Short fused. Critical.
But today it dawned on me that I don’t have to get anything done for these few short days of summer that are all mine. All year I zig-zag through the day at a breakneck pace, waking up before the sun climes through the bare branches the silver birch outside my studio to make coffee and write, before heading off to a classroom full of lively, scrabbling kids. My days from September to June are oversaturated with accomplishment. I multi-task until the moments are frayed. I get things done.
Summer is the only time I can ever lick homemade raspberry popsicles, fool around with Wordpress themes, or spend twenty minutes with Bean on the looking -for four-leaf clovers. It’s the only time I can read the New Yorker at the kitchen counter over toast and an iced latte for breakfast without having to be anywhere else. The only time I can spend the afternoon with DH, pulling down a dilapidated shed or stretching garden fencing. Summer is the only time when the hours swell with fragrance and the lazy hum of bumble bees; when words fall short.
So this week I’ve been trying to exhale and forget my damn lists. Forget arranging words into neat paragraphs. Forget the voice in my head that keeps whispering that I’ll fail if I’m not throwing myself at everything I want, right now, with the fierceness of a matador.
I’m not sure where I got this voice. Or when I started letting it have such power over my days: staining perfectly good moments black. But I’m ready to try to be less complicated for the few remaining weeks of summer. To try, at least, to remind myself that if I spend a whole afternoon flicking through the Wordpress theme browser, and making an utter mess of things, it’s okay.*
Right?
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July 24th, 2007 @ 2:37 pm
I like the new design although when I first visited I thought for a moment I had the wrong address. I’ve been lurking around on your site for almost a year now and wanted to say how much I appreciate your writing. And yes, I have that voice too - it takes some training to ignore it and let go. Sometimes I think that we forget to put the important things on those lists and leave on only the utilitarian. But we need messing around, relaxing, spur of the moment days too.
July 24th, 2007 @ 3:27 pm
I don’t see the strange symbols…could it be your browser? I’m in IE7. LOVING the new look and the cheerful orange curliques licking up the side of the screen. You did know orange is my favorite color and curlique is my favorite word?
It’s amazing how summer pulls us in 2 directions: up and down. I feel much the same way about my lists and projects and yet some days (sunny ones, of course, of which there is a distinct lack here) all I want to do is take off my shoes and curl up on the porch in the sunshine like a big cat. And I vote for GRAPE popsicles! YUM!
Oh and the answer to the last question: a resounding YES
July 24th, 2007 @ 4:37 pm
I don’t see those symbols either… I have lurked here a long time and when I pulled up the page today I almost thought I was on the wrong site because of your beautiful new design. I visit here almost daily and I really appreciate your writing. I too have that voice & I remind it that there are other things on that list that may seem less pragmatic but are essential for my core being.
July 24th, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
First, I don’t see the symbols … and if I did, I would have NO clue how to get rid of them. Sorry.
Second, I love the new look - lots of fun.
Third, THANK YOU!! I am so happy that you are looking at things differently! My step-mother was the same way - always feeling guilty about the things that were not getting done, and never paying attention to the small things that were (because they weren’t on her list!!) Keep it up, lady!
July 24th, 2007 @ 7:44 pm
I totally hear you about the struggle between trying to get all those things done in the summer that you can’t do during the school year. To be honest, I’ve gotten to the point where the approach of the next school year is like waiting for the punch to land on my jaw! I too feel like I am letting time slip by without painting enough and doing all those things I’ve promised myself I would do, but I’ve come to acknowledge that I really need the down time and lack of structure. It’s good that you are allowing yourself to go with the flow a bit… as importnat as it is to accomplish “stuff,” it’s absolutely necessary to recharge. Enjoy your summer! As for the symbols, you will probably have to go into each post and retype the apostrphes and quotation marks. I have had a similar problem with Blogger and that’s how I had to fix it. Good luck… I like the new look here!
July 24th, 2007 @ 7:53 pm
Love your new blog look. And the pics of Bean from the 21st are adorable!
Dont worry about those lists - relish in this time. Soon your son will have grown and you will long for these days. The chores will be always be there - - ignore them!!
Beth
July 24th, 2007 @ 11:30 pm
oh i know that voice! and i really love the new site layout, really really.
July 25th, 2007 @ 12:04 pm
Hello,
I’m sorry to bother you but I have been reading your blog for a while now and I must say I think your photography is beautiful, it is exactly the kind of work I am trying to create myself. I was just wondering what kind of camera you are using…because it seems to have such a great quality. I am also wondering where your interest for photography came from? Mine came from my parents, but I was just wondering if you had a different inspiration. As part of my art course I want to find out more about different photographers around the world, not just in the UK where I live, and so I thought that i would try to contact you as I like the work you have done. I was also wondering if you studied photography at all?
Sorry if I may have cause any inconveneance.
many thanks
Christie Fitzhenry
July 25th, 2007 @ 2:52 pm
The new look is definitely more upbeat! Like it a lot. And no, I can’t see the signs either. Maybe it’s your browser? Or the kind of html editor you’re using… just a thought.
Anyway… like Beth said above, the chores will ALWAYS be there, so give yourself permission now to do absolutely NOTHING and just enjoy the summertime. When you’re overwhelmed it’s hard to find the motivation to get things done. Maybe take a day or two off from worrying, planning, doing… until you feel like getting things done again.
July 25th, 2007 @ 4:33 pm
Love the new look!
And I agree with your celebration of relaxation… I think one of the reasons I return to your blog again and again is that you manage to celebrate those small, beautiful moments. You are able to revel in the beauty of the world around us, and we need reminding of that, so we don’t slip into boredom, into frustration, into too much of a routine.
July 25th, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
I see those symbols in bloglines when I use Word to compose my post and then c/p it into Movable Type. They’re “smart characters” I think… not that I know how to actually fix them. Essentially, they make your quotes and stuff look curly rather than straight, but they mess with code. Is it possible to do a find/replace thingie?
Sorry, not so much help!
July 28th, 2007 @ 8:43 am
I’m not exactly sure what happened to the comment I wrote yesterday - I can’t even remember if I hit the Submit button though
Next try today:
The strange symbols must have something to do with the encoding of your page. I don’t think it’s too easy to fix, though … how about trying your luck at the wordpress forums and posting your problem there: http://en.forums.wordpress.com/
Maybe someone else has run across the same problem and can guide you through the process of getting it sorted out again. Good luck!
August 1st, 2007 @ 9:33 pm
I feel exactly the same way - long lists of what I want to do and at day’s end it’s still only a list scolding me. The days slip by and I am trying to grab a handful of water. I’ve got one more month. I ought to throw those lists out. How does one turn off the voice saying “hurry, hurry get it done”?