Twirling in a burlap sack
Posted on | October 11, 2007 |
Or something.
This week has been hectic, and I’m grumpy that I’m turning into one of those depressing post once a week bloggers. I love coming here and finding all of you and your comments and your stories, and I have a zillion posts that I write in my head… you know how it is.
This week though, in particular, has been like a bizarre synchronized swimming competition and I’ve barely had time to come up for breath. It shouldn’t really be so hectic–my in-laws have moved here (and though they don’t have appliances so they’re here all the time for meals, they help A LOT with Bean and such) and my class at school has finally started to come together as a group. There have been no more incidents of scissor throwing or wailing or refusals to say, sit in a chair, or come to the meeting area, and today a parent came in and built an exquisite terrarium for us.
At home we have a toasty warm new wood stove, and the hills are turning to burnished red and saffron. When we take walks in the afternoon we walk through armloads of fallen leaves the color of gems, freckled with rainwater. The rooster has begun crowing. The skies at dusk are purple like the stain of a grape, with gauzy gray clouds smudge across the mountains. It’s a good time of year. Time for apple pie, and café au laits and pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.
But I still have this feeling; like a dervish. Twirling, my feet barely touching ground. I know the real reason is that I haven’t connected back with my writing for several weeks now, and the threads that connect me to the stories I’m constructing have become fine and tenuous like spider’s webs. But every morning I wake up still tired, and every night I go to sleep with my mind a kaleidoscope of fragments. I have forgotten the geometry of being divided in this way: mother, writer, teacher, spouse.
In a conversation with my mother yesterday, she was saying how so many women she knows are on a quest to find the true things that they love. A calling. A direction. A depth of purpose. I laughed, relating my own woes. Mine has never been a lack of purpose or direction or enjoyment, it’s always been a lack of time.
“If I could do every day twice,” I said, “then maybe, just maybe I’d get everything done that I long to do.”
How about you?
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15 Responses to “Twirling in a burlap sack”
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October 11th, 2007 @ 7:49 pm
(Audible sigh) Ah yes. If only we all could do every day twice!
I find myself juggling too much and enjoying less. Not that I am not blessed - very much the opposite. I just feel like I dont have enough time to truly (or thoroughly) enjoy things as I’d like.
I keep trying to remind myself to “live in the moment” and “always have my eyes open to the joy”.
Beth
October 11th, 2007 @ 10:27 pm
I feel like I am a late bloomer. I am just starting to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I’m not quite sure yet how to do it. I think that feeling like a whirling dervish, and girl…we’ve all been there…means that you need some grounding. I think you even said you don’t feel grounded. So, what grounds you? Are there moments you can steal–maybe in the bathroom, if necessary–to jot these fragments that are wandering through your head?
I’m fortunate. I have plenty of time, though I find ways to fill it, too. My challenge is direction, self-esteem, patience.
I really need to work on having patience.
Loving your blog. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself, your struggles. Take care of you.
October 12th, 2007 @ 12:06 am
Well, this phrase describes my last couple weeks…
>
I don’t think two days would have changed the reality because there is just too much, never enough, keep it up stress in this season.
Your description of nature, connections, emotions, twirling or twisted spark so much, so much I miss in the myraid of life’s details, so much I want to take in and enjoy and explore.
Thank you.
October 12th, 2007 @ 12:08 am
Weird…don’t know why the quote didn’t show up…
The phrase I was referring to is this one…
“a bizarre synchronized swimming competition and I’ve barely had time to come up for breath.”
October 12th, 2007 @ 5:19 am
… it’s the same with me *smile* Every day twice, and I might not feel like I have to tear apart to love and live.
October 12th, 2007 @ 8:16 am
I have been going through this lately - being only a SAHM for the last few months (before this, my SAHM status was in combination with being a part-time student and part-time lab asst). I go through days that I realize that I don’t do anything really well - everything is mediocre and I hate it. I am hoping that this funk will pass with the cooler weather (80’s instead of high 90’s) and the possibility of being able to get ready for all the holidays ahead.
October 12th, 2007 @ 9:26 am
I completely identify with this… Writing fullfills much and breathes such an essence of living, into life, yet finding the quality of time to do it proves so difficult at times. Autumn is my most inspired time, as well, and yet it’s been weeks since I have written anything for my own ambitions and not the little work things which pay the bills… I hope that the world opens up and births you a new inspiration along with the ability to squeeze the quality time from somewhere… If for no other reason than to ground you!
October 12th, 2007 @ 12:57 pm
It feels like every fall season is like this: crazy hectic whirliness. Good thing we have summer to help us forget before it starts back up each year. Also, send pumpkin cheesecake ice cream STAT!
October 12th, 2007 @ 2:48 pm
A group of talented poets and I have started a blog together, and we’ve been discussing this very thing: being a woman, a mother, a wife, someone who is working, and how that all fits together with being a writer. How to make space, to make time, to be all those roles at once. It’s good to have this community of other bloggers, to know that there are others too, with this struggle.
We had a professional development day recently and the speaker talked about “taking the invitation” to be upset about something. He told us, “We only have one October [12th] 2007 and I might give you thirty one seconds of it, but not the whole day.” Knowing that we’ll never get that day back makes you think–OK, what is the best way to spend it? How will I look back on it?
Yes, if there were more hours in the day… I wish too.
October 12th, 2007 @ 4:32 pm
our lives sound very similar right now so when i do have a chance to read blogs i’m always so glad to find nourishing words like yours…
October 12th, 2007 @ 4:55 pm
you are my soul sister.
October 13th, 2007 @ 6:26 am
You are always singing my song, dear friend. I think it’s just a busy time - even though I finally feel like I’m in a rhythm, like I know what each day will bring and that comforts me. (It also helps that T’s childcare is being less complicated…) But I need to make more time for writing - when January comes I’ve volunteered to lead an Artist’s Way group for church and I think I will need it more than anyone…
and even if you do only post once a week, it’s enough for me.
October 13th, 2007 @ 3:52 pm
I really understand what you mean about the ‘geometry of being divided’. I am a mother, a spouse, employed full-time and see to many of the needs of my elderly grandmother. Somewhere amidst all those geometrical shapes, I wish I could find and keep the shape that is just me. I wonder if I found it would I recognize it?
October 13th, 2007 @ 6:47 pm
Christina - how your words ring true… “every day twice,” Yes, I have often thought it would be good to have a me day for every “must-do, have to” day. I think it’s especially challenging to find the inner resources to be creative when you’re a teacher and you spend every day with people who expect big chunks of your being. And of course, you’re a mama, and your little boy wants the same thing! I find that even though I don’t have a small child, just the emotional drain of a day with teenagers leaves me feeling rather depleted, and when I get home and do all my chores and so on, I’m pretty much out of time and gas… and, the painting has to wait for another day. Anyway, I think it’s wonderful that you have your mother and your in-laws nearby… nothing like a support system of grandparents! Enjoy the fall… I have the best picture in my mind of your chickens running around amongst the colorful leaves:>
October 15th, 2007 @ 1:04 am
I think I would need to triple my days. I’m a daughter, sister, aunt, photographer, friend. There’s just never enough time for it all. It would seem that my list of things I wish to do is piling up. Which is nice. I have a lot of things to look forward to, accomplish, visit. For instance, I made a point to take an entire week to myself and see New York, again. It was great! I really should make a point to do those other things, too:)