Like peguins
Posted on | November 6, 2007 |
I hate that I get to the point where some remarkable super woman part of me has managed to sort, organize, file, and accomplish, and I’m just rounding the corner on being “ahead,” when then the week catches up with me again.
I hate that on any given day I can never really accomplish even half of what I’d like to.
I know deep down that this moment, right here on this couch, matters. Here, in a circle of light surrounded by the dark of the sleeping house, with my breath and my anxious heart, this is what matters. Here, with my feet tucked up under me and the steady clacking of the keyboard, my fingers fluttering to create words without conscious effort. Here, longing for sleep. This is what matters.
But I get hungry for days where everything feels sorted out and accomplished. Where there is time to come home from work and take a walk outdoors; time to do some yoga, or run; and mostly, time to write. Each day I don’t write I feel a terror rising in me. What if I never get this down? What if all I can ever do are fragments? But each day, the demands prioritize, like jostling penguins. I’ve heard that they’ll do this at the edge of an ice burg: push and bump until one or two penguins fall into the icy water below. The rest stand watching—waiting to see if the ones they pushed surface and swim about or are devoured.
I keep picturing some graphic organizer, some chart, something that could synchronize and streamline the crazy that is my day—but even if it were—even if I could remember and coordinate all the things I need to accomplish, it still comes back to this: the hours run out. The clock’s hand crawls steadily around the face. Night fills my body with a craving for sleep, and then, too soon, the alarm clicks on.
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3 Responses to “Like peguins”
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November 7th, 2007 @ 10:54 am
Oh, how I hear ya. I have the same desire, dream, need to live creatively, develop talents, succeed, build a career around my own personal gifts. I also have the reality of not being independently wealthy, having to work for a living, having to deal my precious time to so many worthy causes, husband, daughters, work, home, self. As woman, we’re constantly encouraged (by society, by ourselves) to do it all, to have it all, that we can, that we should. Maybe that’s true for some women, but I don’t know any. You come pretty darn close Christina! I am learning that I just can’t do it all, at least not well. So I continue to shuffle & deal. Work on my dream when I can, be there & love my girls when they demand it, keep my marriage strong. Enjoy the prioritizing, the figuring out, the so many good choices you have each day. & know you’re not alone in this epic struggle.
Em
November 7th, 2007 @ 12:55 pm
I’m right there with you.
Mostly, I’m just tired of feeling too tired to do anything different, to make changes, to more creatively live what I long to. I want to. And then I just want was it easy, I want sleep, I want quiet.
You are right that the only way to do anything, is just one moment at a time, starting here in this moment. And here, it is all ok.
November 10th, 2007 @ 3:44 pm
Oh God. I feel this way too. Those terrible penguins! I stand at the sink wondering if I will ever get past this horrible rushing time. Will the days stretch out again with time for watching the shadows and wondering what I want to do next?