Hating the way I feel right now
Posted on | May 29, 2008 |
It’s completely kicking my butt, this parenting thing. Right now, I feel like a crappy mom. I wonder how on earth I could ever, really, be the parent to two kids when this one is driving me bananas.
He’s three, and that has made everything more complicated. And tonight bedtime was a crappy overblown push-pull of him wanting more of me, and me wanting to give less. One of those nights where I’m beyond tired and the laundry is everywhere (in the drier, in the washing machine, on the chair in the bedroom in heaps, in the hallway in heaps) and my last nerve has already been used up. And then he starts.
“I need milk, mommy!” he starts to whine. We’ve already done stories and we’re past the step where warm milk was an option, but it’s only been recently that he’s been forgoing it at bedtime, and really, I should have offered it to him at the appropriate time. And I didn’t. So here we are.
I’m lying on his bed with him watching how the shadows make the yellow of his walls almost gray. The light out the window is dusk. The last of the robins are singing from the tops of the trees, but the sun has already sunk below the horizon and the sky is the pale afterthought pink of post-sunset. I want to cry.
I’m not sure why I want to cry except I feel like I’ve been giving everything all day long to other people’s kids and now here I am with my own, the kid I love more than anything, and I don’t have an ounce of wiggle room left to give him.
“Fine,” I say. “But if I get you milk then I am not going to lie here and snuggle with you. You can have the milk but then it’s a hug and a kiss and we’re done tonight. Got it.”
“Noo!” He whimpers indignantly. His lower lip is protruding and he sounds particularly pathetic because he’s just getting over a cold. This makes matters worse. The fact that I know he’s been sick. That his behavior has always been worse when he’s sick: more erratic with bouts of energy and lulls.
But damn, I just want to be sitting on the couch with the cat wedged up against me, without anyone needing anything for eight point five seconds. That would be really great.
But somehow there is never enough time, at the end of the day. I crave energy and time and have neither by 8 p.m. So I go downstairs and get milk and bring it up to him and he’s already bawling.
“I want snuggles Mommy, I just want you to snuggle with me.”
I hand him the milk. I sit in the rocking chair near his bed. In my head I can see myself and I can see that I’m being stubborn and unreasonable and in general totally suck as a mom. I even think to myself why the hell can’t you just go cuddle with him, what’s the big deal? But the big deal is that since he’s turned three he has started to make bedtime into something momentous again, every night more negotiations, more extra steps and little details as he tries to control more and more of his world. And I picked tonight of all effing nights to curtail this trend.
What was I thinking?
So now he’s balling into his milk and snuffeling and needs a tissue. “I just love you Mommy. I love you Mommy. I love you Mommy. Are you happy Mommy?”
Damn it. Is parenting this hard for anyone else?
We somehow muddled through. I explained that I wasn’t happy with his behavior but that I loved him and loved him some more. And now he’s tucked into his beanbag ‘nest’ in our room where he has very contentedly slept for the past few weeks. And the cat is by my shoulder, and outside the trees look like the outlines of giants huddled together having tea, and the house is quiet.
But I hate not having patience. I hate feeling like I’m totally not cut out for this. ARGH.
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22 Responses to “Hating the way I feel right now”
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May 29th, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
Just remember that the definition of a 3-year old is “a professional 2-year old” — and all the hijinx and willfulness and testing that 2-year olds bring to the table, 3-year olds have perfected.
We all have moments when we’re not in the space to be a Hallmark Card kind of mom.
And that’s okay — to tell him to go to bed, to not cuddle extra. He’s loved; he’s taken care of; he’s not being abused. He’s just not getting what HE wants. And that’s OKAY!
You don’t suck as a mom. (I have 7 loads of laundry in the process — mostly left to fold.) And I have 2 girls who need me to go tuck them in — an hour late.
This is the reality of motherhood — you don’t cease to be your own person nor do you magically become someone satisfied to exist solely inside the racetrack of daily life (laundry, mothering, working, etc.) — you just get to add in the guilt one feels on the days when you feel the pangs of independence more strongly.
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:29 pm
Oh, I’m so glad to read this. I often feel the same way with my little one, who is really testing out what it’s like to be a toddler. I also wonder why I feel the need to hold back sometimes, why I don’t just give in to requests for simple signs of love and affection. This parenting thing is no joke, and I’ve gotta believe that everyone has these moments of feeling empty. Thanks for being honest.
May 29th, 2008 @ 8:35 pm
Yes, yes. A thousand times over YES: parenting is absolutely this hard for everybody else. I keep thinking it won’t be long before he’s too embarrassed of me to even want me to drop him off in front of the school, let alone two blocks away - that I should gobble up every second of him now, while he still wants me.
But GAWD. The peeing drama and the pooping drama and the screaming fits and the throwing up on-demand and the pulling my pants down while I’m trying to cook? I could do without all that. Yeah.
This is a hard, hard age. Be kind to yourself (hypocrite alert! BWOOOP! BWOOOP!)
Ahh, well. It’s worth saying. xo
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:02 pm
Right on tomzgrrl! If I could write as beautiful as you - THAT is exactly what I would have said.
I experience everything you do, yet my son is 16. Battles with driving, the girlfriend, the cell phone, missed homework are exhausting. All I want to do is work a little less and be home more - so I can be a better mom. In one more short year, my son will be heading off to college. I dont want to spend this last year surrounded by mounds of laundry!!
May 29th, 2008 @ 9:39 pm
Alone you are not.
Yesterday I did cry when I felt like it, just sat right down there on the floor and had myself a good out with it.
Then she comes right up to me, hands me her special blankie and says, “Mama you are upset? I love you, I love you, I love you…my blankie make you feel better.” This is the first time she’s said I love you to me. I feel like a horrifically horrible parent but really this is just life right now. Two is harder but somehow you grow and rise to the challenge. I will say however that I gave up working, I couldn’t do it all, as much as somedays I’d give anything to walk out that door and deal with other people’s kids I didn’t have it in me…kate is right…be kind to yourself, you are doing the work of two women.
May 30th, 2008 @ 2:30 am
It happens. To all of us mothers. But tomorrow is another day. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
May 30th, 2008 @ 2:47 am
oh i feel this SO much. i have two and i think the difference in their ages (21 moonths) have recently aligned like the planets in a collision of fireworks. sometimes i dread the morning, and sometimes i literally kneel on the floor with my head in my hands, begging for mercy, wondering how on earth i am supposed to be up to this, to them? ’spin me i pulsate’ has a powerful post about the days when we just don’t enjoy mamahood. i take comfort in the knowledge that this is all routine, normal, and doesn’t equal bad things about my mothering skills or about their identities. it’s a part of the journey and like any sort of suffering it’s best embraced, not resisted. in sitting with it and letting it be your friend you learn its lessons and it becomes a cherished, meaningful part of your story. but sometimes i just drop everything and take a moment to myself, to restore things. you seem a fabulous mama, and i often think of your approach and the time you seem to take to point out the beautiful details of his world, that’s incredibly precious. he loves you, he’s normal and so are you. don’t let the condemning voice rob you of those truths. courage under fire!
May 30th, 2008 @ 5:51 am
oh i am so glad to see all these smart moms (above) leaving encouragment and support and understanding of how it is. you deserve SO much support– all mothers do– it is FREAKING hard some days much much harder than others— it is the nearing the end of a LOOOoooooong year. you are exhausted as only a 1st grade teacher and mother of a 3 year old can be. See that. See how it is the situation around you. YOU are magnificent. The situation? Profound exhaustion. But the situation will change. It will change . . . I hope you get some rest and space and breathing this weekend.
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:28 am
Thank you so much for this!
May 30th, 2008 @ 10:58 am
-delurking-
I’ve been reading your website for over a year now. My son is about 5 months younger than yours and your posts are usually harbingers of things to come with my boy … except for potty training, no luck there. My little one is starting to do the negotiations at bedtime (just a few more minutes of playing, milk, another story, Thomas the Tank Engine on TV) and at the end of a long day of solving other people’s problems I don’t always have the mental fortitude either. Sometimes DH will put our boy to bed. That helps. Sometimes he just gets put to bed and sometime I can find that last bit of energy to read one more story. So it’s not just you, I think we are all in that boat at one time or another. Hang in there because if you can then I can
May 30th, 2008 @ 11:09 am
YES!!!!!!!
it is by far the most difficult job i have ever had!
right now i have 2 sons fighting over a choo choo when there are 50 other ones in a plie. it’s the constant fighting and wanting and never enough for ME time, never. since i’ve had kids there is nothing left for me and it shows in my spirit. but, i LOVE them with all my heart and i now realize why no one ever and i mean ever really tells you the truth about raising kids. woman seem to get lost in all the fluff and forget about the day to day. it’s rough! this sounds terrible but only since i’ve had kids can i understand why moms sometimes drive into the river. before i had kids i had no concept how kids could make someone a wee bit nuts but now, i can fully understand.
my little guy who is 2 never wants to go to sleep, last night he came out of his room 4 times…mommy seep with me heeeeeeeeee (that’s his please)
all i wanted to do was eat my dinner as it was past 9pm….he fell aslepp on the counch so we could eat. then i go to sleep and it starts all over again.
SO, you are so not alone, we all go through this. it’s nice to be able to vent. one of my sons starts pre-school in 2 months and to be honest i am counting the days. i need a wee bit of peace!
peace & love to you~
michele
May 30th, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
This is not comforting to hear but it is important to get a little comfortable knowing at times you’ll “suck” (by your own definition) at motherhood and that it is actually a good thing. It is part of the individuation process that is normal and important for both parent and child. To give yourself some perspective, watch TLC’s John and Kate plus Eight. I bet you don’t judge them as harshly as you judge yourself and you know there is not enough of them to go around for eight kids.
As a mother of three (all born in three years), I am keenly aware of how much I fall short. As an elementary school counselor, I too feel exhausted from being with other people’s kids all day. There are many days students of mine get more one-on-one focused time with me than my own kids do.
I read a good book by Dr. Stanley Greespan a couple years ago about floor time with kids. If we give kids just 15 minutes of our complete attention each day (where I have to force out thoughts about picking up the legos next to us and laundry but really focus on them)we are giving our kids what they need. He called it “floor time” but others refer to it as quality time. Kids need both quality and quantity time. I know you give you child both and much more than 15 minutes each day. Having multiple kids is difficult but mine are finally at that age where they entertain each other and I have more time to myself now than I have for the last seven years!
Hang in there and look into local MOPS groups in your area. The MOPS monthly meetings and all the wonderful books through the national organization (especially those by Lorilee Cracker, Angela Thomas, and Keri Wyatt Kent) have helped me tremendously cope with issues you mentioned in your post.
Hang in there… summer is almost here. This morning was my last day at school - whoo hoo!
May 30th, 2008 @ 6:56 pm
Parenting IS hard for all of us. I love your blog and once in a blue moon I de-lurk and tell you how much your bean reminds me (looks and all) of my oldest and this is one of those times. When my son was Bean’s age I spent MONTHS, night after freakin’ night, with him until he fell asleep (that beanbag idea is brilliant — wish I’d thought of that) — I thought it would never end. And now, I don’t regret a second of that time I spent with him. He’s at a hard stage, then you’ll have the 6 - 12 or so stage which is much easier, then it might get harder again. My other son never needed me to be so close and we’re still not as close. My Bean just got married to a lovely girl last week — we’re at a wonderful stage, but I’d go back to those 3-year old days in a Split. Second. Even Less. Just keep moving — summer’s here!
May 31st, 2008 @ 4:35 am
Are there harder jobs than parenting? Perhaps. But it sure totally and completely kicks your ass nearly every day. The good thing is that this, too, shall pass. But then, the bad thing? That this, too, shall pass. Give him another hug. And then make your husband give you a footrub.
May 31st, 2008 @ 10:53 am
i know JUST WHAT YOU are going through>
my 8.5 year old is so controlling and manipulative. i was so tired last night that i felt like i had taken some sleeping pills(which i have never taken)…but just that groggy tired feeling where i wanted to sleep right now. and she wanted no part of it, she wanted me to stay up and read so she could. i yelled at her so LOUDLY and felt like the most horrible parent in the world…it’s so hard some days and i feel so not cut out for it…..hang in there. i am not saying it gets easier because that has not been the case for me HA>just know you are NOT ALONE!
tara
May 31st, 2008 @ 11:39 am
I wrote a comment yesterday but apparently it was EATEN - anyway - I just wanted to chime in and say obviously none of us are EVER up to parenting 100% of the time - yes, it would be so lovely if children would just go to sleep already and let us get a few things accomplished! Even if those things are as simple of chilling on the couch.
The last few days have been a bit emotionally draining (hormones, and a student in crisis that I’ve been helping) and I know that exact feeling of wanting a few minutes ALONE with no one needing me. And I really do identify with spending the day with children who get the best of you - I am fearful of that happening to me, and that’s one reason why I am resisting teaching full time - I am selfish and also, just not ready for that yet.
May 31st, 2008 @ 5:19 pm
You’re doing just fine, mama. Children are so forgiving. Just go ahead and give him an extra snuggle when you have the energy again. Remember, it won’t always be this way (let that sink in, the way I’ve done the many times I’ve found myself losing patience). He’ll only be three one year and never again. Keep on holding on…
hugs,
A. (also mom to a 3yo boy)
May 31st, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
I only have 1, and we’re only 2/3 of the way to the age of 3. But, I think every mom, EVERY mom feels like you did when you wrote this from time to time… Big, giant hugs. Thank goodness for the breath of fresh air a good night of sleep gives us. You’re in the home stretch, hang in there. Before long you’ll be walking with that little man in the gorgeous meadows around your house just enjoying mama & bean time. It’s so close, hang in there.
June 2nd, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
Oh, I hear you, I hear you, and on a much smaller scale. I was just whining to my husband about how coming home from teaching was awful, I just wanted the dogs to GO AWAY and to retreat into my world because I was SO SICK of being something for everyone else. And this is just puppies. I can ignore them. I hear you and I keep thinking: summer break is oh so soon. Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you and KNOWING you are a good mom. You are.
June 3rd, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Sometimes we all feel like crappy Moms. I know I do. It helps to remember the times when you feel like an awsome Mom, & notice what makes the difference. I’ve learned it’s usually not big things, just moments here & there, paying attention, being a little more organized, etc. My youngest is about Bean’s age & I have to tell you that it just keeps getting better. I never felt totally cut out for being the Mom of infants, but now that my girls are getting older, I feel like I’m figuring out what kind of a Mom I am more & more & enjoying it more & more. You’ll find your stride.
Also, working full-time is hard, hard, hard. I hate it when people say this, but I don’t know how you do it. I work part-time & still have laundry all over the house!
June 3rd, 2008 @ 7:25 pm
Dude…I don’t know much about being a mommy, mostly because I’m not one. I can imagine what it would be like all I want, but even with my vivid imagination, I’m not going to know, not really.
I’m sure you’ve already been told as much, but give yourself a break. Just that you care about being impatient makes you a better mom than most I know. You’re trying to set limits and take care of your sweet one at the same time. It seems to me you’ve got to pick your battles and decide what’s best for your kid at any particular moment.
Challenging.
I think you’re a great mom, myself.
June 9th, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
All I can say is that I’m with you. I am right. there. with. you. All my life, I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, and now I am a mom, to 3 wonderful, amazing children. Still, every day I struggle with the fact that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the line. When 8 PM arrives every night, I want those kids IN BED and QUIET. I know that’s selfish of me, but I can’t help it! To make matters worse, I sometimes feel like the only parent who feels this way. Your post makes me realize that I’m not alone. Thank you, and hang in there.