The unexpected
Posted on | July 4, 2008 |
The unexpected is what happens when you’re looking up at the sky and thinking about glazed doughnuts and life is generally good. The unexpected is a little tear in the fabric of the way things are, so small at first you hardly notice, and then you’ve got a run the size of the Nile going up your thigh. The unexpected is all about the tipping point.
Reading runes before I left for Spain, looking for clarity in other things entirely, I received this message: “The outcome is assured, though unexpected.” Three weeks later, and it suddenly makes sense.
I’m pregnant.
I had an IUD (the Paraguard) which is 99.4% effective, making my odds a slim .6%. A slender needle in a hundred haystacks. But pregnant none the nonetheless.
You always read that shit about percentages on the packaging and you kind of think, somewhere in the back of your head, “poor bastard, whoever gets stuck being that statistic.” You never think it will be you.
It was a handful of days after being back from Spain when the nausea and the indigestion was kicking my butt so hard I was sure I had some sort of parasitic ailment I’d picked up somewhere abroad. Parasitic, for sure, just not what I was expecting. My doctor listed all sorts of unpleasant ailments that I might have. “The stress,” she said, “of travel and not sleeping.” I nodded, then asked, “Is there any way I could be pregnant? My period is late.” She shook her head. “Nope.”
A day later and my boobs were telling a different story. Overly sensitive when the colt-legged catapult of Bean hurtled into my lap. The nausea suddenly making sense.
I went to the store toting Bean, determined. DH was three hours away learning to bake bread with a friend. “Why are we going to the store, Mommy?” Bean kept wondering on our unprecedented middle of the day trip. My mind was suddenly unable to bear another moment of limbo.
We bought yellow pears, a couple fragrant peaches, and the kind of test that spells it out for you PREGNANT, or NOT PREGNANT, right there in bold print. I’ve messed with the ambiguity of the little pink lines before. You can always trick your head into thinking one is lighter, or darker, there or not there, depending on what you’re hoping. I wanted no bullshit, just a straight up answer. I had a hunch I wanted confirmed.
Still. I was totally, utterly, surprised when just that single word popped up. “Why are you taking so long, Mommy?” Bean whimpered at the door. “Play with me.”
It was a Sunday. I called my OBGYN. The doctor on call said, “Oh honey, if you’re in trouble, we all are here. Everyone has one at the office.”
But the trouble didn’t really start until Monday when I went in for an ultrasound, and to get the little piece of plastic and copper removed, and well, it wouldn’t come out. Apparently it was stuck in my cervix and in that moment I went from being somewhat of a rarity with remarkable odds and an unexpected pregnancy to someone with a high risk medical condition.
The possible outcomes looked gloomy: heavy bleeding if a second attempt at removing it went awry. Worst case: a possible loss of my uterus. (Really, that’s what they said. Imagine the sudden gloom that I was immersed in.) Or if it stayed, because if its location, I had high odds of a septic miscarriage. Unpleasant, to say the least.
Enough with the too much information. I can’t help it somehow, because suddenly it became everything for a few days. In the end, I went to the hospital and they used really high tech ultrasound stuff to do an ultrasound assisted removal that went okay—and now, well, we wait and hope there’s no miscarriage, because there could be. The odds are higher now.
And I know there’s that rule about waiting three months before saying anything, but I think it’s bullshit, because if I go through a miscarriage I want to be able to talk about that too.
So it seems that oddly our kids seem to have planned themselves. Four years apart, and a handful of days—this one is due at the end of February too. In retrospect, DH and I both admitted that really, we’d probably never get down to the business of planning a second one. And, while my summer is turning out nothing like I planned, I’m digging it. The same kind of thing happened when I got pregnant with Bean. It’s like a light has been switched on somewhere in the murk of my life, and in seeing, I’m compelled to do only those things that are most vital and important to my heart.
All year, and through the start of grad school I was near panicked with stress. Too much on my plate, but somehow, I lacked the ability to say no, or stop, or simply do what my heart wanted instead of what my head kept telling me I should do. I quit grad school for now—though they’ll leave my enrollment open for next year, or the year after, and I’m focusing full time on my writing.
I’m also picking wildflowers and spending mornings napping and playing with Bean. And despite the nausea which completely kicks my ass most of the day, I am happier and less stressed right now than I have been in almost a year.
“The outcome is assured, though unexpected.” Damn.
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41 Responses to “The unexpected”
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July 4th, 2008 @ 10:15 pm
Oh, congratulations. Oh, these surprises, and I’m hoping all goes smoothly for you, that these bumps are only that, and that something special grows into something extraordinary. You’re a strong woman, and I know everything will be good. xo
July 4th, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
A big fat congratulations and a bigger best wishes. My grandmother says “People plan and god laughs”.
July 4th, 2008 @ 10:55 pm
Wow! What a crazy bit of chance! Congratulations! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that it all turns out okay; though somehow, I know it will.
July 4th, 2008 @ 11:07 pm
congratulations! no, huge congratulations! our number two started out similarly, unexpected and dramatic with emergency room visits and daily ultrasounds. but all is well and now two is only double the fun and twice the joy. beautiful days to you and take care.
July 5th, 2008 @ 12:24 am
De-lurking here to give you a warm congratulations. Unexpected things many times turn out to be the best. I can tell you are (and probably will be still) going through a lot of adjusting (internally the most, probably), but in the end everything will settle. Motherhood on many levels just makes sense.
God bless you and your new little one.
July 5th, 2008 @ 12:36 am
congratulations! sending you good thoughts and wishes for a safe pregnancy…xo
July 5th, 2008 @ 1:11 am
WOW! What a beautiful surprise. I can’t wait to hear more about this new little bean as s/he grows. And Bean will be a GREAT big brother… that is assured!
Congrats to you all.
July 5th, 2008 @ 1:40 am
BIG Congratulations.. and sorry it has had to come with such anxiety. I hope everything is going ok and if it doesn’t, do blog about it. Miscarriages are too tragic to be experienced in isolation. Anyway, I’m thinking lots of lucky thoughts for you.
July 5th, 2008 @ 2:05 am
A tickle spread up my arms and then all over my skin when reading that single line, and ended in an inner smile. How perfectly incredible!
July 5th, 2008 @ 3:50 am
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying!!! Oh honey, I’m SO SO SO happy for you guys. The world needs more long-lashed, adorable offspring of my friends. I hope that little booger stays PUT! What lovely news to have!
July 5th, 2008 @ 6:25 am
Congratulations! I can’t wait to see the pictures and hear your wonderful words telling us about this journey.
I will keep my fingers crossed that all is well for you, as I’m sure it will be.
July 5th, 2008 @ 7:26 am
Congrats to you! All will work out for the best! It’s double the fun with two!
July 5th, 2008 @ 7:31 am
Congratulations. Will keep happy thoughts for you.
July 5th, 2008 @ 8:06 am
Congratulations!
I can understand your fear & shock…. I had the mirena IUD for three years and even though I knew the percentages (as you said, percentages aren’t very comforting when you’re in that slim percent)I always worried about it. I will be keeping you in my thoughts!
July 5th, 2008 @ 10:33 am
ah yes, the unexpected is a master at putting everything into perspective. my heart is singing for you! congratulations!!
July 5th, 2008 @ 11:52 am
Wow — when you said changes were afoot, you weren’t kidding! Congratulations, and I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well. Hang in there, and enjoy what sounds like a totally delicious summer that you’ve set out for yourself!
July 5th, 2008 @ 12:34 pm
Congratulations and the very best of luck too!
Wonderful, wonderful.
July 5th, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
Congratulations! Motherhood brings out the best in us, I think, maybe I should say, Motherhood wrings out the best in us. MAKES us do what’s important because what’s important is hungry, crying or jumping on your lap. Good luck! So exciting!
July 5th, 2008 @ 2:44 pm
WOW! i am thrilled for you.
babies come when they want and when the universe knows.
both of mine were beautiful surprises and it all works out.
O, i can’t wait to read all about it!
xo
July 5th, 2008 @ 5:33 pm
My mouth dropped wide open! O! Glory glory, I’m happy for you. I will pray special prayers for this One, this Unexpected. You are magic and I’m so happy to hear that you are whittling away to only what your heart and soul cries out for -
sending so, so much love to you
July 5th, 2008 @ 9:03 pm
I am thinking of you Christina. Your blog has brought me lots of smiles over the many months I have visited. I hope your far away internet friends can be of support for you while you leap this hurdle. I am so happy for you. Wishing you good fortune.
July 5th, 2008 @ 9:15 pm
I like how you stated the getting around to planning the second one. I’ll be 28 at the end of the week and we haven’t gotten around to planning the first. On the pill 10 years and so far it seems I’ll be on it a few more at least. I’m not sure when the time comes to stop, how it actually happens. It’s almost scary. The thought of moving from one story to the next and I feel I am still too selfish to give up the first story.
July 5th, 2008 @ 9:43 pm
Congratulations! I am wishing you all the best that this blessing is here to stay with you (and us).
July 6th, 2008 @ 5:43 am
So happy for you!! I had been wondering what happens if someone gets pregnant while having an IUD in, since I just got one last month, scary!! Very exciting, Bean will be a big brother!!!
July 6th, 2008 @ 8:12 am
Congratulations!!! Somehow I’m not surprised at all. God Bless you all.
July 6th, 2008 @ 9:10 am
Congratulations!! I am so happy for you! Spend LOTS of time with Bean. Enjoy your “only him” time, because it changes, as I have realized this past 11 weeks.
By the way - things will work out - a baby that persistant is meant to be, just like my Hyla.
July 6th, 2008 @ 10:33 am
I was in here reading this, and when you said you were pregnant, I shouted, “OHMYGOD!” and then when my husband asked what was wrong, I said, “My Topography is pregtnant!”
He just doesn’t understand. Anyway, as one who got pregnant after a tubal ligation, I feel you on the surprise. I am so happy for you, and I hope everything goes well.
July 6th, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
congratulations!
and i sure hope it
all goes well and that you
don’t have a miscarriage. i will
be thinking of you. and praying for you.
tara
July 6th, 2008 @ 6:11 pm
how beautifully life works when left up to itself.
i am so happy for you.
congratulations! ♥
July 6th, 2008 @ 10:01 pm
Whoah! Congratulations! It seems good to me that you’re being brave and wanting to be able to write here whatever the outcome. Fingers crossed for you.
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:09 am
I pray that your little one remains safe in your body until it is time to meet the world. Congratultaions!
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:38 am
I was a blog-o-holic when my first was born - looking for a community of support which was there and so helpful - as your experience with Bean as a baby and growing up was. Since then, I have had another baby, gotten a puppy, started renovating, gone back to work part time etc…and I don’t have much time for blogs anymore - but yours is one of the few I still read.
I am so excited for your family’s new adventure and look forward to reading about it. It is amazing where our purpose and clarity can come from sometimes. I am glad for you that this feels so right, and I hope that things go well.
July 7th, 2008 @ 3:12 am
Congratulation! Hopefully everything will be fine and you’ll soon have another gorgeous child.
July 7th, 2008 @ 7:57 am
i have a paraguard too. I have taken many pregnancy tests as well, with late periods and the google results when you type paraguard pregnancy. then again, i know of many pregnancies on birth control.
congrats, what a blessed surprise.
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:28 am
I was the one who advised you to wait until you wanted to have another child more than you wanted anything else. I’ll amend my advice — “… or wait until the universe decides for you.” CONGRATULATIONS!! The time is obviously right. Your love and patience will expand with your belly, I know it
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:50 am
ah-ha! some clever little soul chose the moment, and the family, very definitively. I love how that wakes you up, lights you up, despite the barfiness. xoxo
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:25 am
Best wishes! Everything happens for a reason and I wish you all the best!
July 7th, 2008 @ 1:16 pm
All the best to you in this unexpected yet wondrous time.
July 8th, 2008 @ 9:52 pm
Yay!
July 8th, 2008 @ 10:13 pm
Wow, aint that something huh? Kids really do just decide when to come into the world. Congratulations!!!!! Your heart is going to expand bigger than the universe with love, and you’ll still be able to follow all your dreams. You’re solid like that.
September 6th, 2008 @ 3:21 pm
ok, I’ve chuckled (oh the things that come from your boy’s mouth!) and cried my way back through your posts to find your announcement. So sorry to hear there was quite the fear factor going on at the time. Wishing you well the rest of the pregnancy and beyond!
P.S. I was a statistic, too. Got pregnant on the pill, or became a member of the 3% Club, as my friend used to call it.