flitter
Posted on | July 6, 2008 |
I spend much of the day curled like a cat, now, dozing. My dreams are surreal and technicolored and sexy. My stomach is in a constant state of upheaval, the word nausea hardly encompasses the scope of queasy that I feel. It is a perpetual all day thing, indigestion, bloating, every single food suspect.
I turn my nose up at foods I have always loved; I become obsessed with certain food and then suddenly, irrationally, cannot stand them. The refrigerator is a dangerous place. I can hardly stand to open the door. My sense of smell has gone from acute, which it has always been, to hyper sensitive. I can smell peanut butter across the room. Garlic makes me dry heave.
It’s a weird state to have suddenly slipped into. Early pregnancy has forced rest upon me. It’s been a long time since I sat in a lawn chair on the grass and did nothing. I sit and watch clouds get tangled at the horizon; swallowtails land on the yellow roses by the door; my small boy rides his bike pell-mell up and down the driveway, skidding to a stop on purpose. He has attached a pinwheel to his handle bars, and it spins brilliantly. His face is a smudge of wild strawberries and dirt: a recipe for little boy glee. Next week he’s going to summer camp at his preschool for four half days and I’m holding my breath, wondering what it will be like.
Of course, I start to think about him there, away from me, and my heart feels like a bungee jumper, mid air before the cord catches at the bottom of the fall.
He is at this lovely stage right now where, on a good day, he’s the sweetest most sensitive little guy in the world. He picks me flowers. Sometimes when we’re walking he’ll stop dead in his tracks and gasp, “Oh look at that flower, its just so beautiful!” He notices sunsets, and birds darting though the sky like bright flecks of paint.
In the book Lyle Lyle Crocodile, he gets genuine big tears in his eyes when we get to the page where Lyle gets locked in the zoo. And at the playground when a smaller boy was crying, he stood near by, a worried look on his face, until the boy was comforted.
I so hope that this tenderness doesn’t get wiped away by the big-boyness he’s sure to acquire in the first few days of spending so much time with other, older kids. Around big boys he walks taller, his little shoulders thrown back, and laughs at jokes he doesn’t understand. He’s growing up, and it makes me feel dizzy.
The other day he asked, “Who will snuggle me at preschool?”
“Your teacher will,” I said hopefully, and he smiled, convinced.
But will they?
And what about me, when this second little one enters the world? Will my heart really expand to love the both of them? Somehow I can hardly believe it, even as I feel fiercely protective of my tender belly, where this unexpected miraculous handful of cells is multiplying and growing: tiny arm buds, eyelids, it’s heartbeat like the fluttering wings of birds.
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17 Responses to “flitter”
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July 6th, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
always love the way you write about these things…gorgeous. excited for this journey.
July 6th, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
I really can’t tell you how inordinately excited I am for you…it’s crazy how someone else’s good news can make me smile when the thought of you, pregnant, crosses my mind. I know these first weeks are rough, let’s hope that you will soon cross over to the “everything is SO DELICIOUS” stage.
And Bean…oh, if he were at my preschool? He would be SO snuggled! I always believe in a good snuggle. Sometimes I couldn’t help but plant a kiss atop those shining heads of hair…all rumpled and in-betwixt baby and big kid.
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:11 am
Congrats to you and your family, Christina!
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:03 am
Yes, your heart has a lot more space than you know at first, before the one special person in the world comes along, and then, the little ones… You, and your family will not only find space for the new arrival, but wonder how you did without her or him
Bean’s comment reminded me of my little one’s, at two and a half, starting preschool for five full days a week, four hours (including commute) - will teacher hold my hand when I am at the potty? So much love and trust in these little hearts, all to be slowly wiped out by disillusion, day by day… But that is how they do learn to be more independent, grow up, and we wouldn’t want them to stay stuck, would we? Still hurts though, and one can only hope the world is kind…
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:28 am
Even the sprawling feet & legs in that picture look more little boy than toddler!! He is getting so big! Congratulations a million times over. Sending love & hugs from CT. Your love is surely going to multiply to welcome this new little one. No doubt. We miss & love you guys.
July 7th, 2008 @ 8:52 am
yes, yes, yes…. you will not be divided in two but doubled in love-capacity. and I love that shot - so familiar… those lanky legs.
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:33 am
Ditto what Amy said. I’m very excited that you’re including us in your journey.
July 7th, 2008 @ 10:36 am
Oh…BIG congratulations on your news! How very exciting for the three of you. When I became pregnant with my second, I was just positive that I couldn’t love another child as much as the first, but you will. It’s so wonderful and your heart will have room for it all!
July 7th, 2008 @ 11:41 am
I love the way you write about the journey of motherhood, the way you have to get used to them leaving you over and over again. Heartbreaking and real and raw. I’m so excited to be able to read about the next journey and to continue to tear up when I read your writing.
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
I wondered that also - is my heart big enough to love someone as much as I love him??? And it is - it is exponential and wonderful and exhausting and vulnerable at the same time. I am so happy for you. Were you this sick with Bean?
July 7th, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
Love doesn’t divide, it multiplies!!
July 7th, 2008 @ 6:58 pm
best wishes for you and your pregnancy. That’s great news and I am looking forward to reading all about it here. Your writing is beautiful.
July 7th, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
Oh, how happy I am for you, Christina! At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I just knew you’d be pregnant this year! I swear! I wish you all the best, and as the mom of 3 boys I can totally attest to this…your love WILL not be divided between your children, it will totally be multiplied like you cannot even fathom right now! Congratulations to ALL of you!
July 7th, 2008 @ 9:15 pm
Congratulations, it is such an interesting time, hey? Jack’s preschool teacher told us at the beginning of the year that the way things are nowadays she had to tall us that she will, on a daily basis, hug or comfort our children using physical attention. Thank God for that!
And your heart will expand to the point of feeling as though it might burst, with love for the new child and a different love for the older one. Good luck!
(not password protected anymore and coming out for a peek now and then!)
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:39 am
congratulations on your news. i have a “just turned three” year old son and a six month old daughter. i love reading your entries about Bean because so often they reflect my own (at times heart wrenching) love for my boy. and yes, your heart will expand to love the both of them. i once couldn’t imagine life with a baby, and then almost immediately couldn’t remember life without my boy when he arrived. and then when my second was born, it just felt like our family was complete! all the best for the hazy days ahead though.
July 8th, 2008 @ 5:51 am
Such a sweet post. Treasure these days sitting still and watching. I tagged you with a meme.
July 8th, 2008 @ 11:34 am
oh, you will love that 2nd one believe me, you will!
i love my 2nd girl so very much, she is a gem . you will be so shocked at how much you will love this next one!!!
it’s sad when they go off to school and grow up….they have to learn that the world is indeed a cruel place. but you know he always has his safe place at home with you and that is so important for him to know! you are a great momma!
tara